Wednesday, August 24, 2011

A Guide To Limerence

Truthfully, I teetered my decision of whether I should write this or not. Actually, I wrote a couple drafts - deleted them. I started this in March, read other books about romantic love, psychology books about emotion along the way, and now I have finally finished it since it's summer. I find the whole idea and concept of limerence very complex, because of all the variations it can have. The term piqued my interest about two years ago and ever since then I've been doing my own little research. How does such a thing occur, I wonder? I always like to know how things work, why, and how they happen. Limerence isn't very eminent, unsurprisingly, as it just came into scientific light about 30 years ago by a scientist named Dorothy Tennov on her research of romantic love. Yet, we've seen it everywhere for hundreds of years through writing, music, history, art, or maybe even personal experiences.

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 A GUIDE TO LIMERENCE

Let me start off by saying that not all limerence is ugly and horrible. A lot of normal, long-lasting relationships are developed from people who are limerent. Who wants to hear about that, though? I'm going to explore the darker aspects of limerence (as much as my 15 year old brain can handle).


So, what is limerence?


Here is a slightly formal definition of "limerence" by Wiktionary.org 
Limerence: An involuntary state of mind which seems to result from a romantic attraction for another person combined with an overwhelming, obsessive need to have one's feelings reciprocated

You can't help limerence; it just happens to you, and the first time is very unexpected because more often than not, you don't know what is happening to you, so you imagine it as love. Limerence is love's unhealthy cousin, a child of desire, and a sibling to obsession and addiction. People who have been limerent multiple times can usually tell if another bout of limerence for a different person is coming on. The symptoms, on average, remain constant.
I'll try to use a short story/example here to explain what I mean, and give you a little delve into limerence.
You develop a crush on someone. You find that when you think of them, you get those "butterflies" in your stomach and then become happy by the thought of them. Over and over in your head, you think about what makes them so attractive, so great, not really paying attention to their negative personality traits. Suddenly, instead of thinking about them just a few times per day, that number increases to a couple times every hour, every 30 minutes, and so on. Eventually, the thoughts (and fantasies) become habit because you like the feeling it gives you. You enjoy picturing the two of you together, and he/she reciprocating your feelings. Soon, you find that if you're crush/limerent object (abbreviated "LO") doesn't interact with you, you become in a despaired mood. However, when they do interact with you, you feel like you're floating in the clouds. Why don't you tell them how you feel? One, you're uncertain of their romantic feelings towards you/afraid of rejection. Two, because you're afraid of what they'll think of you after you do or what they might say.
Congratulations, you are limerent. Unarguably, there are much, much more little aspects that contribute to it, but I figured I'd describe of what I think are the core components in that example. You may be nodding your head to what I've described, maybe the experience is similar to one of your own whether presently or in the past. I think limerence is a lot more common than what everyone may think, or what I may even believe.
I've made a graph to generally describe how limerence evolves over time:


I've heard that people who have never gone through limerence have a hard time comprehending of what it is, or even it's validity. It's understandable; it does sound like the stuff you hear in love songs and read in hardcore romance novels. Limerence is VERY much a real thing, contrary to what anyone believes. Its real, its real, its real. I cannot reiterate it enough. You don't know what wanting or desiring is until you experience limerence.


Components and Symptoms:
  • obsessive thinking/involuntary thoughts
  • heavy fantasizing (sexual or not)
  • can only have one LO at a time
  • "rollercoaster" of emotions (ecstasy and agony) based on the LO's interactions/info found on LO
  • heavy fear of rejection, ongoing desire and hope of reciprocation. Must keep a balance between the 2
  • seeing neutral signs from LO as signs of reciprocation
  • sexual attraction (has to be someone you can picture yourself having sex with)
  • finding that every thing can relate back to LO (especially music)
  • emotional dependency on said person 
  • shyness around LO (of variable degree)
  • a need to find out information about the LO 
  • sudden interest in body language
  • "game playing" (will be explained further on)
  • dreams involving the limerent object
  • loss in appetite (not applicable to all)
  • loss in sleep (not applicable to all)
  • nearly viewing LO as a god/goddess
  • not really wanting anyone to know about limerence/feelings
  • "there's nobody else for me!" syndrome (not applicable to all)
  • increased sex drive (disputed as to whether applicable to all or not)

The obsessive and intrusive thinking explains itself. If you're limerent, you simply cannot get that one person off your mind. You'd have to battle your own brain not to. It's a struggle. In this more intense, deeper, perhaps darker stage of limerence down the road, one cannot even wake up and go to the bathroom without thinking of LO. Limerence becomes consuming and is unfortunately, already by this point, an addiction. Some people suggest that OCD might have something to do with it due to the regulation of thoughts that revolve around the person who the limerent is pining for. Tennov believes the cause is from a hyperactive limbic system. The limbic system contains many parts of the brain that controls your emotions. There is no guarantee or clear cause on why limerence happens. It is possible that some people are more susceptible than others just because of their personality. Another idea is that it could be genetical, where it's encoded into your DNA, and passed down through families.

 Limerence parallels drug abuse incredibly that it's shocking. A male or female in midst of limerence acts like an addict who tries to get high. Not that kind of high, but a high that makes them feel really good inside (on cloud 9, I suppose you could say). They seek a "high", which includes anything to do with the person they're limerent over. Even the smallest things can send them off into a euphoric, "high" state. The reason for this happy feeling is because the brain is releasing dopamine, similar to cocaine usage. Is it any wonder why limerence is called addictive love? Consciously or not, the limerent always seeks out something they can get "high" off of. It takes an incredible amount of self-control to resist this seeking out once you're in the stronger throes of limerence. Then there are the lows. The horrible thing is, the limerent knows that if they are going through a high, then a low is soon to follow. The limerent's mood behaves in a very cyclical manner. This is why people who have gone through limerence call it a roller-coaster. Why do limerents get "low"? Events may perspire this, such as LO flirting with another, the LO insulting the limerent, limerent finding out that their LO is married/in a relationship, etc, etc. Basically, anything that strengthens the thought of unreciprocated feelings or that makes adversity grow. This stage can get so bad to a point where there are suicidal thoughts and depression. It can become a very serious and dangerous state of mind if it's not addressed or properly handled or restrained.
Why would a person want to keep going through this? Why don't people just stop being limerent? Well, why don't drug addicts quit drugs? Why don't alcoholics stop drinking? They're addicted. The thought of an individual being addicted to another can be disconcerting, but it's a reality. Some limerents absolutely hate their limerence, wish that it would just screw itself, and others actually enjoy limerence and seek it out. All a matter of opinion, I suppose. Some people really do want to stop it, but in the end, there is reluctance because they like the highs. Limerents can build and build and build their resolve up until it is gigantic fortress over their heart to stop their limerence, but it is easily crumbled by simple things. All it takes is a prolonged look, a smile, a word to send a limerent tumbling back to where they were before.

The reason why the balance of impossibility and hope maintains itself is because limerence messes with the brain; it causes you to think unclear and most of all, irrationally. Only completely open declaration of reciprocation or rejection ends this.While you may just see a person maintain eye contact across the room and look away, someone in limerence would interpret this as, "Oh! They like me!". While a co-worker just doesn't talk to you because they're busy, limerents would think "They're ignoring me! What did I do wrong?". Get the gist of it? Limerents over-think things, and read too much into it, even if it may just be normal behavior.

What about shyness around the limerent object? To be perfectly honest, I don't quite think it matters if you're rather comfortable in social situations; you're going to feel some degree of anxiety around the LO. Whether it's that queasy feeling in your stomach, or just a simple quickening of the pulse. However, most limerents agree that physical symptoms include:
  • heart hammering in chest/quickening of pulse
  • that queasy feeling in your stomach (similar to the feeling on a roller-coaster)
  • lump in throat
  • being socially awkward (stuttering, at loss for words, etc)
  • trembling
  • general weakness in muscles
  • fainting (only in EXTREME cases and if limerent is especially shy)
  • inability to concentrate/focus

Limerents take an interest in body language because knowing body language can help them determine if LO reciprocates or not. They read A LOT into body language.


This feeling is mistaken for falling madly, hopelessly, agonizingly in love. It's not love, although it certainly does feel like it. Have you, or a friend, who said they "loved" a person they hardly knew? That would be limerence, not love. The limerent is not usually in love with the limerent object; they're in love with their concept of the LO and how they picture the relationship would be. Sure, love can be incorporated into it if, for example, you fell in limerence with your best friend. If anything, limerence is selfish. While love is having concern for the person's welfare and well-being even if it means that you can't be with them, those are things that limerence can make a person not care about. There's always that little secret longing that limerents wish that they could be with LO, no matter the loss of the limerent object's happiness.
There's a love quote from a movie that I loved watching as a tiny little kid, It Takes Two:
"Love is that can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars kind of thing."
From what I understand, limerence turns people love-S.T. R.U.C.K. Which is rather romantic, even though it grows more tragic. Wouldn't you also believe you were in love if all you thought about was that one person, you didn't feel like eating, and you couldn't sleep? It's reasonable why because from what I understand, it's similar to New Relationship Energy aka "the honeymoon stage" of a relationship, or as stated previously and by Tennov, the "experience of being in love". Since nearly all waking thoughts revolve around said person, it's just common sense that the person afflicted would be dreaming about the person.
Dreams can be similar to the fantasies limerents have in real life, or it can be nightmares involving the object of affection dying, or rejecting the person dreaming. Dreams are not a big factor of limerence itself though, since it's ordinary to dream about something that is on your mind for most of the day, or fear of happening.
Though a major factor of limerence, as mentioned above, are daydreams and fantasies. Is there really a need for an explanation of that? Fantasies are fantasies, and not entirely realistic. They contribute to the severity of the case, and can cause the limerent to conjure up an image of what they conceive the limerent object to be, not who they really are. It's not unusual for the limerent to give character traits to their object of desire that they do not actually possess; more so if the two involved are not well acquainted. Furthermore, the type of daydreams are similar to anyone who has a crush or infatuation. However, let it be known, that limerence is neither of those two. The fantasies may even be simple such as imagining him or herself sitting next to the limerent object. I suppose you can say that limerents enjoy the small things, as long as it includes the LO.

"Game-playing"...what does that even mean? Can anyone win "The Game"? I can tell you is this; the limerent never wins the game. Never. If it is a case of mutual limerence (where the people are limerent for each other), then neither wins. If the limerent object is not limerent back, then they do not know that they are even playing The Game.
Before I may confuse you further, The Game is classified as the limerent trying to draw a reaction from their LO. It is a mind-game, almost like a reward system, combined with a punishment system. For example, if the limerent object stares at the limerent, the limerent will "reward" them by staring back at that time or at a later time. If the limerent object ignores the limerent, then the limerent will "punish" them by ignoring them later. If the limerent flirts with another to make the limerent object jealous, then the limerent object will "punish" them by flirting with another as well.
And so you see, it is a game to draw a reaction to see if the limerent object will do the same thing back to the limerent, so they then can add evidence of secret reciprocation from the LO.
The Game is actually a delusion in the limerent mind, unless their LO is limerent for them also. It's hard to distinguish though, since limerents always read too much into things. There is one exception though, if the limerent object is actually playing mind-games back because it boosts their ego.
The limerent always loses because while they are trying with all their effort at The Game, it is effortless on the limerent object's behalf.

While we're kind of on the subject of delusions, I'd like to discuss how limerents may think that it was meant to be. To clarify, I'm saying, the belief that some greater, outer force, such as fate, or the will of the universe made their limerence happen because they (the limerent and LO) were meant to be. Not all limerents think this, but I am sure most do have a feeling that it happened to them for a reason. Beliefs in fate, being lovers in a past life, synchronicity (http://www.mythsdreamssymbols.com/synchronicity.html) with the LO, soul-mate, can be quite popular with the limerent.
I think I'm doing kind of an unclear, messy job at explaining this, so I'll try to use an example:
Let's say the limerent frequently runs into their LO in places where they wouldn't expect to.
"Is it coincidence, or fate?"
"Do we keep running into each other because we both want to see each other?"
"Could a theory like the Law of Attraction be true?"
Those are what a limerent would think.
I would assume limerents tend to believe these things, because it is a sign of hope. Maybe unconsciously, the limerents are thinking that the LO can't reject them or not feel the same way if the universe/God/fate/etc wants them to be together, and so that's why they like to blame these external forces on their limerence. I'm not disregarding these things, because they may very well be true. However, since there is no sufficient evidence either proving or disproving theories like fate/will of the universe, I'm kind of taking a neutral stance. I don't know, this is hard for me to word properly and explain. I haven't exactly organized my thoughts on this one, but I hope you know what I'm trying to construe.

In addition, limerence usually only allows for that one person to only want their limerent object. It is said to be extremely difficult to be in a new relationship if you are limerent with another. Yes, you can find other people attractive, even more attractive than the LO, except you don't actually want them. If that makes sense. If the case is where the limerent is presently in a relationship or married, this may cause problems in the relationship. After all, most of the emotions are being directed towards someone other than the limerent's partner. On the flip side, it could actually strengthen it. If the limerence is high sexual attraction, the limerent may find more passionate, rejuvenated lovemaking with their partners.


If you still don't believe in the validity of limerence, I have gathered a couple songs from my iPod that I believe the songwriters were in limerence. Songs, stories, shows, and movies are actually the reason why people mistake this feeling for love.
Most notably:
Elvis Costello - I Want You (this is practically the theme song for limerence)
The Police - Every Breath You Take
Back Story: Sting wrote this for his ex-wife because he was not over her.
The Police - Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic
Back Story: None I know of. Sting is just a master of capturing limerent feelings.
Eric Clapton - Layla
Back Story: Eric Clapton wrote this song for George Harrison's (from The Beatles) current wife of the time, Pattie Boyd. Eric admitted himself in his autobiography, Clapton: "However hard I tried, I just could not get her out of my mind. Even though I didn't consider that I really had any chance with her, I still thought of all my other affairs with women as being merely temporary. I was totally distracted by the idea that I could never love another woman as much as I loved Pattie. In fact, in order to get closer to her, I had even taken up with her sister." Eric Clapton was in unrequited love with Pattie for a time, but then she divorced Harrison and married Clapton. I guess having an awesome rock song written about you does that.


There are literally hundreds of more songs (Adele actually sounds quite limerent), but these are the ones that came quickly to my head.


The only movies I have seen that I would consider to be about limerence are just:
(500) Days of Summer
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Dead Ringer

Side Note: Jeremy Irons likes to play obsessive characters, as displayed by the movies Dead Ringer, and movie adaptions of the books Damage and Lolita, which are below.

For books/stories, I would say:
Romeo and Juliet - Romeo is depressed from his rejection from his love Rosaline; but not for long, because he soon switches his fixation onto Juliet. On top of that, the overflowing passion of mutual limerence is there. I'm not saying that just love itself cannot be intensely passionate, I am saying that if two people were limerent for each other, the feelings would be near parallel to Romeo and Juliet's.
Lolita - I'm not entirely sure on this one. Humbert Humbert may have just been a selfish, obsessive, pedophilic monster. I just also may have been slightly led to believe that Humbert was in limerence with Lolita. At the beginning, he is writing about everything that Lolita does, and hints that she might have a crush on him from what she does (he guessed correctly). Humbert then married Lolita's own mother so that he might stay close to her. After Lolita has run away from Humbert, and he goes to see her years later, he pleads her to "come live with me, die with me, and everything with me". And Humbert insists that he loved Lolita "at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight". Humbert said he loved Lolita, who by all means was repulsive. She was obnoxious, petulant, and just really childish. Humbert on the other hand was educated and intelligent, who should've been repulsed at these traits but he wasn't. He was attracted to her. Did he ignore them because he was in limerence? In the end, he goes to extreme measures by killing Quilty since he "stole" Lolita away from him, and his redemption. Once again, Humbert could've just been obsessed because he was trying to re-live his adolescent love.


Although Dorothy Tennov researched limerence, she just kind of shrugged her shoulders over finding a cure. The truth is, there is no cure. There is no guarantee way of getting rid of it. She has said that the most effective way she saw, was having no contact with the LO, or limited contact. In my opinion, a limerent should reveal their feelings, so they can squash their limerence by rejection or reciprocation. This is difficult to do in a variety of situations though, such as if you're married or they are, or if you're their boss, etc. Therapy is not a guarantee either, because more than likely, the therapist won't even know the feeling the limerent is talking about unless they have gone through it themselves. At best, EVERYTHING has variable results. While therapy can help one, it might not help another.
The closest thing I could think of for a cure is similar to an addict treatment. Admit this is a problem that needs solving, have a strong will to quit, start weaning yourself from the source (talk to LO less and less often, prevent yourself from looking at them), get rid of objects that remind you of LO, and then finally, stop all contact with the LO. Even this doesn't guarantee relief either. No matter whether the LO is taken or single, the limerent might feel supremely inferior if the limerent object does not reciprocate. You might think, "I cannot compare to LO's significant other!" or "What's wrong with me?". To all limerents, I'll tell you....there is nothing wrong with you. You're a great person just the way you are, and you deserve someone who will love you back. It's not a crime to want someone. However, you are doing a crime to yourself to want someone who doesn't want you back. Give yourself a courtesy and love someone who loves you back. YOU deserve it, just as much as your LO does. And don't do it to make your LO jealous, or show him/her what they could've have, do it for yourself. Remember, "Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, then it's not the end." Through it all, I daresay it is unfortunate that I believe there will never be no easy cure to limerence to ever be found, unless one can find a way to erase a person from one's memory.
In the end, regardless of what a limerent does, there are 3 ways to end limerence.
1.) Reciprocation: limerence fades because of the certainty of their LO's love and affection for them
2.) Transference: the limerent switches the limerence to a new LO
3.) Starvation: feelings diminish painfully over a period of time where there is no hope for reciprocation; agonizing because all of the hope dies out very slowly. Severe throbbing, aching, and longing of the heart is expected.
Transference is the easiest of the 3. It is definitely NOT recommended. Why? Transference is like riding a stationary exercise bike; you're moving, but you're not going anywhere. You're still in limerence if you transfer it. It's only good if your new LO reciprocates, but that's not a definite. These are the paths of disclosing:
This causes limerence to last long amounts of time. Tennov says that, on average, limerence lasts 6-18 months. This is the average though, and it can last much MUCH longer given the right circumstances. In reality, limerence can last decades, even if a romantic relationship has been made. There are 3 bonds that are available:
1.) non limerent - non limerent: Neither partner is limerent in these cases and the relationship is considered to last longer and be more healthy. AKA, the type of love you see in old couples who have been married for most of their life. Genuine love.

2.) non limerent - limerent: One partner is limerent. The limerent is always the one who is more passionate and attached to the relationship. Generally not satisfactory in the long term as problems can occur if limerence doesn't fade and turn into a non limerent - non limerent bond.

3.) limerent-limerent: Both partners are limerent for each other. Considered highly passionate, lusty and near destructive. These relationships do not have longevity.

If I'm being frank here, I don't think you would find any person more loyal in a relationship then if your partner is limerent for you. On the other hand, it can stab you in the back. Limerent Objects are considered to be the limerent's world, that is, until the person in limerence gets a new LO. Sometimes when the limerence fades once a romantic relationship is made, the person who was limerent gets a new person to crave after. This is transference, as described above. It is possible that people are more susceptible to limerence after they have already experienced, which I deducted because limerence is almost like a brain pattern, a way of thinking. Your brain would have to rewire itself to not think the way it does.


On the outside, people who have not experienced this, it may just sound like infatuation or obsession, a crush, or love. Limerence is frustrating because it is not any of those feelings. Limerence is discernible from any other feeling once it is felt. When you read this and more about it, you'll know, and there should be no doubt if you have experienced limerence.

In conclusion, limerence is described by irrationality. It doesn't care about moral restrictions, social restrictions, or age restrictions. It could care less if you're married, in a relationship, or single. If anything, it is said that barriers actually INCREASES the feelings. But limerence is certainly not prejudice, or racist, or anything. I would say limerence is Cupid himself, choosing to affect whomever he wants.

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I'm only fifteen years old. I wouldn't be surprised if you, the reader, maybe take this all as mediocre. I realize I might lack the life and love experience for this to be taken seriously, so take this information as you please.
Please feel free to comment, criticize, or email me at bnthaw@hotmail.com
Don't be shy! I enjoy to hear any feedback or thoughts.



 

Other sites about limerence:
 (the last article is not specifically related to limerence, however, it partly explains neurochemically why limerents seek out information about their LO)


limerence experiences:


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posted by Britt Thaw @ 5:06 PM   232 Comments