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A GUIDE TO LIMERENCE
Let me start off by saying that not all limerence is ugly and horrible. A lot of normal, long-lasting relationships are developed from people who are limerent. Who wants to hear about that, though? I'm going to explore the darker aspects of limerence (as much as my 15 year old brain can handle).
So, what is limerence?
Here is a slightly formal definition of "limerence" by Wiktionary.org
Limerence: An involuntary state of mind which seems to result from a romantic attraction for another person combined with an overwhelming, obsessive need to have one's feelings reciprocated
You can't help limerence; it just happens to you, and the first time is very unexpected because more often than not, you don't know what is happening to you, so you imagine it as love. Limerence is love's unhealthy cousin, a child of desire, and a sibling to obsession and addiction. People who have been limerent multiple times can usually tell if another bout of limerence for a different person is coming on. The symptoms, on average, remain constant.
I'll try to use a short story/example here to explain what I mean, and give you a little delve into limerence.
You develop a crush on someone. You find that when you think of them, you get those "butterflies" in your stomach and then become happy by the thought of them. Over and over in your head, you think about what makes them so attractive, so great, not really paying attention to their negative personality traits. Suddenly, instead of thinking about them just a few times per day, that number increases to a couple times every hour, every 30 minutes, and so on. Eventually, the thoughts (and fantasies) become habit because you like the feeling it gives you. You enjoy picturing the two of you together, and he/she reciprocating your feelings. Soon, you find that if you're crush/limerent object (abbreviated "LO") doesn't interact with you, you become in a despaired mood. However, when they do interact with you, you feel like you're floating in the clouds. Why don't you tell them how you feel? One, you're uncertain of their romantic feelings towards you/afraid of rejection. Two, because you're afraid of what they'll think of you after you do or what they might say.
Congratulations, you are limerent. Unarguably, there are much, much more little aspects that contribute to it, but I figured I'd describe of what I think are the core components in that example. You may be nodding your head to what I've described, maybe the experience is similar to one of your own whether presently or in the past. I think limerence is a lot more common than what everyone may think, or what I may even believe.
I've made a graph to generally describe how limerence evolves over time:
I've heard that people who have never gone through limerence have a hard time comprehending of what it is, or even it's validity. It's understandable; it does sound like the stuff you hear in love songs and read in hardcore romance novels. Limerence is VERY much a real thing, contrary to what anyone believes. Its real, its real, its real. I cannot reiterate it enough. You don't know what wanting or desiring is until you experience limerence.
Components and Symptoms:
- obsessive thinking/involuntary thoughts
- heavy fantasizing (sexual or not)
- can only have one LO at a time
- "rollercoaster" of emotions (ecstasy and agony) based on the LO's interactions/info found on LO
- heavy fear of rejection, ongoing desire and hope of reciprocation. Must keep a balance between the 2
- seeing neutral signs from LO as signs of reciprocation
- sexual attraction (has to be someone you can picture yourself having sex with)
- finding that every thing can relate back to LO (especially music)
- emotional dependency on said person
- shyness around LO (of variable degree)
- a need to find out information about the LO
- sudden interest in body language
- "game playing" (will be explained further on)
- dreams involving the limerent object
- loss in appetite (not applicable to all)
- loss in sleep (not applicable to all)
- nearly viewing LO as a god/goddess
- not really wanting anyone to know about limerence/feelings
- "there's nobody else for me!" syndrome (not applicable to all)
- increased sex drive (disputed as to whether applicable to all or not)
The obsessive and intrusive thinking explains itself. If you're limerent, you simply cannot get that one person off your mind. You'd have to battle your own brain not to. It's a struggle. In this more intense, deeper, perhaps darker stage of limerence down the road, one cannot even wake up and go to the bathroom without thinking of LO. Limerence becomes consuming and is unfortunately, already by this point, an addiction. Some people suggest that OCD might have something to do with it due to the regulation of thoughts that revolve around the person who the limerent is pining for. Tennov believes the cause is from a hyperactive limbic system. The limbic system contains many parts of the brain that controls your emotions. There is no guarantee or clear cause on why limerence happens. It is possible that some people are more susceptible than others just because of their personality. Another idea is that it could be genetical, where it's encoded into your DNA, and passed down through families.
Limerence parallels drug abuse incredibly that it's shocking. A male or female in midst of limerence acts like an addict who tries to get high. Not that kind of high, but a high that makes them feel really good inside (on cloud 9, I suppose you could say). They seek a "high", which includes anything to do with the person they're limerent over. Even the smallest things can send them off into a euphoric, "high" state. The reason for this happy feeling is because the brain is releasing dopamine, similar to cocaine usage. Is it any wonder why limerence is called addictive love? Consciously or not, the limerent always seeks out something they can get "high" off of. It takes an incredible amount of self-control to resist this seeking out once you're in the stronger throes of limerence. Then there are the lows. The horrible thing is, the limerent knows that if they are going through a high, then a low is soon to follow. The limerent's mood behaves in a very cyclical manner. This is why people who have gone through limerence call it a roller-coaster. Why do limerents get "low"? Events may perspire this, such as LO flirting with another, the LO insulting the limerent, limerent finding out that their LO is married/in a relationship, etc, etc. Basically, anything that strengthens the thought of unreciprocated feelings or that makes adversity grow. This stage can get so bad to a point where there are suicidal thoughts and depression. It can become a very serious and dangerous state of mind if it's not addressed or properly handled or restrained.
Why would a person want to keep going through this? Why don't people just stop being limerent? Well, why don't drug addicts quit drugs? Why don't alcoholics stop drinking? They're addicted. The thought of an individual being addicted to another can be disconcerting, but it's a reality. Some limerents absolutely hate their limerence, wish that it would just screw itself, and others actually enjoy limerence and seek it out. All a matter of opinion, I suppose. Some people really do want to stop it, but in the end, there is reluctance because they like the highs. Limerents can build and build and build their resolve up until it is gigantic fortress over their heart to stop their limerence, but it is easily crumbled by simple things. All it takes is a prolonged look, a smile, a word to send a limerent tumbling back to where they were before.
The reason why the balance of impossibility and hope maintains itself is because limerence messes with the brain; it causes you to think unclear and most of all, irrationally. Only completely open declaration of reciprocation or rejection ends this.While you may just see a person maintain eye contact across the room and look away, someone in limerence would interpret this as, "Oh! They like me!". While a co-worker just doesn't talk to you because they're busy, limerents would think "They're ignoring me! What did I do wrong?". Get the gist of it? Limerents over-think things, and read too much into it, even if it may just be normal behavior.
What about shyness around the limerent object? To be perfectly honest, I don't quite think it matters if you're rather comfortable in social situations; you're going to feel some degree of anxiety around the LO. Whether it's that queasy feeling in your stomach, or just a simple quickening of the pulse. However, most limerents agree that physical symptoms include:
- heart hammering in chest/quickening of pulse
- that queasy feeling in your stomach (similar to the feeling on a roller-coaster)
- lump in throat
- being socially awkward (stuttering, at loss for words, etc)
- trembling
- general weakness in muscles
- fainting (only in EXTREME cases and if limerent is especially shy)
- inability to concentrate/focus
Limerents take an interest in body language because knowing body language can help them determine if LO reciprocates or not. They read A LOT into body language.
This feeling is mistaken for falling madly, hopelessly, agonizingly in love. It's not love, although it certainly does feel like it. Have you, or a friend, who said they "loved" a person they hardly knew? That would be limerence, not love. The limerent is not usually in love with the limerent object; they're in love with their concept of the LO and how they picture the relationship would be. Sure, love can be incorporated into it if, for example, you fell in limerence with your best friend. If anything, limerence is selfish. While love is having concern for the person's welfare and well-being even if it means that you can't be with them, those are things that limerence can make a person not care about. There's always that little secret longing that limerents wish that they could be with LO, no matter the loss of the limerent object's happiness.
There's a love quote from a movie that I loved watching as a tiny little kid, It Takes Two:
"Love is that can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars kind of thing."
From what I understand, limerence turns people love-S.T. R.U.C.K. Which is rather romantic, even though it grows more tragic. Wouldn't you also believe you were in love if all you thought about was that one person, you didn't feel like eating, and you couldn't sleep? It's reasonable why because from what I understand, it's similar to New Relationship Energy aka "the honeymoon stage" of a relationship, or as stated previously and by Tennov, the "experience of being in love". Since nearly all waking thoughts revolve around said person, it's just common sense that the person afflicted would be dreaming about the person.
Dreams can be similar to the fantasies limerents have in real life, or it can be nightmares involving the object of affection dying, or rejecting the person dreaming. Dreams are not a big factor of limerence itself though, since it's ordinary to dream about something that is on your mind for most of the day, or fear of happening.
Though a major factor of limerence, as mentioned above, are daydreams and fantasies. Is there really a need for an explanation of that? Fantasies are fantasies, and not entirely realistic. They contribute to the severity of the case, and can cause the limerent to conjure up an image of what they conceive the limerent object to be, not who they really are. It's not unusual for the limerent to give character traits to their object of desire that they do not actually possess; more so if the two involved are not well acquainted. Furthermore, the type of daydreams are similar to anyone who has a crush or infatuation. However, let it be known, that limerence is neither of those two. The fantasies may even be simple such as imagining him or herself sitting next to the limerent object. I suppose you can say that limerents enjoy the small things, as long as it includes the LO.
"Game-playing"...what does that even mean? Can anyone win "The Game"? I can tell you is this; the limerent never wins the game. Never. If it is a case of mutual limerence (where the people are limerent for each other), then neither wins. If the limerent object is not limerent back, then they do not know that they are even playing The Game.
Before I may confuse you further, The Game is classified as the limerent trying to draw a reaction from their LO. It is a mind-game, almost like a reward system, combined with a punishment system. For example, if the limerent object stares at the limerent, the limerent will "reward" them by staring back at that time or at a later time. If the limerent object ignores the limerent, then the limerent will "punish" them by ignoring them later. If the limerent flirts with another to make the limerent object jealous, then the limerent object will "punish" them by flirting with another as well.
And so you see, it is a game to draw a reaction to see if the limerent object will do the same thing back to the limerent, so they then can add evidence of secret reciprocation from the LO.
The Game is actually a delusion in the limerent mind, unless their LO is limerent for them also. It's hard to distinguish though, since limerents always read too much into things. There is one exception though, if the limerent object is actually playing mind-games back because it boosts their ego.
The limerent always loses because while they are trying with all their effort at The Game, it is effortless on the limerent object's behalf.
While we're kind of on the subject of delusions, I'd like to discuss how limerents may think that it was meant to be. To clarify, I'm saying, the belief that some greater, outer force, such as fate, or the will of the universe made their limerence happen because they (the limerent and LO) were meant to be. Not all limerents think this, but I am sure most do have a feeling that it happened to them for a reason. Beliefs in fate, being lovers in a past life, synchronicity (http://www.mythsdreamssymbols.com/synchronicity.html) with the LO, soul-mate, can be quite popular with the limerent.
I think I'm doing kind of an unclear, messy job at explaining this, so I'll try to use an example:
Let's say the limerent frequently runs into their LO in places where they wouldn't expect to.
"Is it coincidence, or fate?"
"Do we keep running into each other because we both want to see each other?"
"Could a theory like the Law of Attraction be true?"
Those are what a limerent would think.
I would assume limerents tend to believe these things, because it is a sign of hope. Maybe unconsciously, the limerents are thinking that the LO can't reject them or not feel the same way if the universe/God/fate/etc wants them to be together, and so that's why they like to blame these external forces on their limerence. I'm not disregarding these things, because they may very well be true. However, since there is no sufficient evidence either proving or disproving theories like fate/will of the universe, I'm kind of taking a neutral stance. I don't know, this is hard for me to word properly and explain. I haven't exactly organized my thoughts on this one, but I hope you know what I'm trying to construe.
In addition, limerence usually only allows for that one person to only want their limerent object. It is said to be extremely difficult to be in a new relationship if you are limerent with another. Yes, you can find other people attractive, even more attractive than the LO, except you don't actually want them. If that makes sense. If the case is where the limerent is presently in a relationship or married, this may cause problems in the relationship. After all, most of the emotions are being directed towards someone other than the limerent's partner. On the flip side, it could actually strengthen it. If the limerence is high sexual attraction, the limerent may find more passionate, rejuvenated lovemaking with their partners.
If you still don't believe in the validity of limerence, I have gathered a couple songs from my iPod that I believe the songwriters were in limerence. Songs, stories, shows, and movies are actually the reason why people mistake this feeling for love.
Most notably:
Elvis Costello - I Want You (this is practically the theme song for limerence)
The Police - Every Breath You Take
The Police - Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic
Eric Clapton - Layla
The only movies I have seen that I would consider to be about limerence are just:
(500) Days of Summer
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Dead Ringer
Side Note: Jeremy Irons likes to play obsessive characters, as displayed by the movies Dead Ringer, and movie adaptions of the books Damage and Lolita, which are below.
For books/stories, I would say:
Romeo and Juliet - Romeo is depressed from his rejection from his love Rosaline; but not for long, because he soon switches his fixation onto Juliet. On top of that, the overflowing passion of mutual limerence is there. I'm not saying that just love itself cannot be intensely passionate, I am saying that if two people were limerent for each other, the feelings would be near parallel to Romeo and Juliet's.
Lolita - I'm not entirely sure on this one. Humbert Humbert may have just been a selfish, obsessive, pedophilic monster. I just also may have been slightly led to believe that Humbert was in limerence with Lolita. At the beginning, he is writing about everything that Lolita does, and hints that she might have a crush on him from what she does (he guessed correctly). Humbert then married Lolita's own mother so that he might stay close to her. After Lolita has run away from Humbert, and he goes to see her years later, he pleads her to "come live with me, die with me, and everything with me". And Humbert insists that he loved Lolita "at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight". Humbert said he loved Lolita, who by all means was repulsive. She was obnoxious, petulant, and just really childish. Humbert on the other hand was educated and intelligent, who should've been repulsed at these traits but he wasn't. He was attracted to her. Did he ignore them because he was in limerence? In the end, he goes to extreme measures by killing Quilty since he "stole" Lolita away from him, and his redemption. Once again, Humbert could've just been obsessed because he was trying to re-live his adolescent love.
Although Dorothy Tennov researched limerence, she just kind of shrugged her shoulders over finding a cure. The truth is, there is no cure. There is no guarantee way of getting rid of it. She has said that the most effective way she saw, was having no contact with the LO, or limited contact. In my opinion, a limerent should reveal their feelings, so they can squash their limerence by rejection or reciprocation. This is difficult to do in a variety of situations though, such as if you're married or they are, or if you're their boss, etc. Therapy is not a guarantee either, because more than likely, the therapist won't even know the feeling the limerent is talking about unless they have gone through it themselves. At best, EVERYTHING has variable results. While therapy can help one, it might not help another.
The closest thing I could think of for a cure is similar to an addict treatment. Admit this is a problem that needs solving, have a strong will to quit, start weaning yourself from the source (talk to LO less and less often, prevent yourself from looking at them), get rid of objects that remind you of LO, and then finally, stop all contact with the LO. Even this doesn't guarantee relief either. No matter whether the LO is taken or single, the limerent might feel supremely inferior if the limerent object does not reciprocate. You might think, "I cannot compare to LO's significant other!" or "What's wrong with me?". To all limerents, I'll tell you....there is nothing wrong with you. You're a great person just the way you are, and you deserve someone who will love you back. It's not a crime to want someone. However, you are doing a crime to yourself to want someone who doesn't want you back. Give yourself a courtesy and love someone who loves you back. YOU deserve it, just as much as your LO does. And don't do it to make your LO jealous, or show him/her what they could've have, do it for yourself. Remember, "Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, then it's not the end." Through it all, I daresay it is unfortunate that I believe there will never be no easy cure to limerence to ever be found, unless one can find a way to erase a person from one's memory.
In the end, regardless of what a limerent does, there are 3 ways to end limerence.
1.) Reciprocation: limerence fades because of the certainty of their LO's love and affection for them
2.) Transference: the limerent switches the limerence to a new LO
3.) Starvation: feelings diminish painfully over a period of time where there is no hope for reciprocation; agonizing because all of the hope dies out very slowly. Severe throbbing, aching, and longing of the heart is expected.
Transference is the easiest of the 3. It is definitely NOT recommended. Why? Transference is like riding a stationary exercise bike; you're moving, but you're not going anywhere. You're still in limerence if you transfer it. It's only good if your new LO reciprocates, but that's not a definite. These are the paths of disclosing:
1.) non limerent - non limerent: Neither partner is limerent in these cases and the relationship is considered to last longer and be more healthy. AKA, the type of love you see in old couples who have been married for most of their life. Genuine love.
2.) non limerent - limerent: One partner is limerent. The limerent is always the one who is more passionate and attached to the relationship. Generally not satisfactory in the long term as problems can occur if limerence doesn't fade and turn into a non limerent - non limerent bond.
3.) limerent-limerent: Both partners are limerent for each other. Considered highly passionate, lusty and near destructive. These relationships do not have longevity.
If I'm being frank here, I don't think you would find any person more loyal in a relationship then if your partner is limerent for you. On the other hand, it can stab you in the back. Limerent Objects are considered to be the limerent's world, that is, until the person in limerence gets a new LO. Sometimes when the limerence fades once a romantic relationship is made, the person who was limerent gets a new person to crave after. This is transference, as described above. It is possible that people are more susceptible to limerence after they have already experienced, which I deducted because limerence is almost like a brain pattern, a way of thinking. Your brain would have to rewire itself to not think the way it does.
On the outside, people who have not experienced this, it may just sound like infatuation or obsession, a crush, or love. Limerence is frustrating because it is not any of those feelings. Limerence is discernible from any other feeling once it is felt. When you read this and more about it, you'll know, and there should be no doubt if you have experienced limerence.
In conclusion, limerence is described by irrationality. It doesn't care about moral restrictions, social restrictions, or age restrictions. It could care less if you're married, in a relationship, or single. If anything, it is said that barriers actually INCREASES the feelings. But limerence is certainly not prejudice, or racist, or anything. I would say limerence is Cupid himself, choosing to affect whomever he wants.
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I'm only fifteen years old. I wouldn't be surprised if you, the reader, maybe take this all as mediocre. I realize I might lack the life and love experience for this to be taken seriously, so take this information as you please.
Please feel free to comment, criticize, or email me at bnthaw@hotmail.com
Don't be shy! I enjoy to hear any feedback or thoughts.
Other sites about limerence:
- http://tribes.tribe.net/limerence
- http://www.suite101.com/content/limerence-the-bliss-and-agony-of-romantic-love-a389204
- http://www.nickyee.com/ponder/love.html
- http://www.fallinginlimerence.com/
- http://www.persons.org.uk/ptb/persons/pil/pil2/wakinvo%20paper.pdf
- http://elmcityexpress.blogspot.com/2008/01/long-term-infatuation-little-studied.html
- http://www.digitaljournal.com/article/264520
- http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/brain-wise/201209/why-were-all-addicted-texts-twitter-and-
- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SQbxuMDDQuk
- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OC3IBDabV5Q
- http://people.tribe.net/82d9ebf8-3bda-4ca2-8dd7-00339b557bf4/blog/a79b0ae7-8de3-4053-bb32-9ce29eed3197
- http://tribes.tribe.net/limerence/thread/dfadcb14-6142-499d-bafb-f954d371e84b
- doesn't really describe an entire experience, but describes the feelings incredibly: http://chadwickislove.blogspot.com/
it sounds great !! i want to ask you a question please..i know a person who is in love with a girl 7 years ago (when he was 18 or 19 years )..he is 26 years now..when he was 21 years he told her that he admire her & want to marry her but she told him politely that she doesn't feel the same towards him, but he didn't lose hope and keep phoning her from time to time..and he thought that she refused him because he is not rich man so he keep working hard in order to gain money ..after 2 or 3 years she engaged to another man..he felt so miserable and brokenhearted. and after one year he engaged to a girl but he couldn't love her or even have any feelings towards her because he still loves her limerent object & still looks at her picture & listens to romantic songs while thinking of her...my question is: can we call it limerence? or it is a long lasting love?
ReplyDeletethank you
Hello! Thank you for commenting.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I think long-lasting love and limerence can go hand-in-hand. It depends; is your friend and this girl good friends? Sometimes best friends end up in situations where one loves the other, and the other doesn't reciprocate. I think that would be long-lasting love, because they really know the person. Limerence is more based off of assumptions about a limerent object's character and personality. However, I would say this is a case of limerence. Especially if he's held on that strongly for so long if she doesn't feel attraction towards him. I wish your friend good luck.
thank you very much for your answer..actually they are colleagues in the faculty but they are not very close to each other as we are from an eastern society and the interactions between a boy & a girl is somewhat superficial ( only including some talks and greetings & some time to spend talking about superficial things _not personal things_only time to spend in the college with other colleagues ) iam waiting for your answer..you said that it depends on are they friends or not..& please i want to know will he be able to love any other girl except this girl & why he can't love any girl all this time? thank you very much for your care
ReplyDeleteAh, I see. Since their relationship is mainly based off their profession, then it is most likely limerence. It would depend on whether they are friends or not because it's very hard for good friends to fall in limerence with each other. The reason is because, for the most part, the friends know each other very well, and doesn't leave a lot to the imagination, which limerence requires a lot of to carry on.
ReplyDeleteCertainly, he can love another girl. The reason why he can't is because he chooses to hold on to the hope that maybe his colleague will abandon her fiancee, and get with him. It's a very popular idea for limerents, which is why limerence can go on for so long. In order to have more genuine feelings for another woman, he has to CHOOSE to do so, and he has to want it. Waiting for limerence to end by itself just prolongs it. Doubly so in your friend's case since he probably has to see her on a daily basis, and doesn't know her very well. More often than not, time does not heal limerence. So in order for him to stop being in limerence, he has to stop it himself. Very difficult, no matter the case. If he doesn't do anything about his limerence, and still desires his colleague, years will just add on to his unrequited love. If your friend wants to move on, I'm afraid it's not going to be easy, and it's going to take an incredible amount of willpower and inner strength. That's not to say it's impossible, because I know of people doing it before.
thank you very much..actually he has finished his study in the college long years ago & he doesn't see his LO..he sees her only very few times only by chance & there isn't any interaction between them long time ago & i think he doesn't hold on the hope that she will reciprocate because he engaged to another woman & he said to me that his LO will not reciprocate because she is better than him ( he means the social class )and that is true she is from high social class whereas he is not..also she has good ethics & she is religious whereas he has not..he decided to engage to another woman but i think he didn't decide to stop being in love with his LO because after his engagement he still thinks of his LO with love and longing for her..hope to know your opinion about this..thanks in advance
ReplyDeleteand he always says (it's enough for me that i loved her)
ReplyDeleteI'm not surprised that he said those things. His actions tell a different story though. An engaged man who still looks at another woman's picture and listens to love songs while thinking of that woman is not a man who is ready to be married. It's possible he said those things to you because he's ashamed, or in denial. Another big factor in limerence is shame, whatever the situation may be. They might think "I shouldn't be feeling this way about a person" or "It's not normal to feel this way. What's wrong with me?". Like I said above, he might be going through some denial. It's possible that he's trying to convince himself of what he told you, because he is engaged to someone else and there definitely might be some guilt and shame going on. So much that his brain could by lying to him about moving on. On the other hand, I could be wrong. However, based on his actions, I would say that he's still in limerence. Just the fact alone that he doesn't know her well puts me off from thinking this as long-lasting love. Then again, I am only 16, so I'm not thoroughly experienced with genuine love. If he wasn't in limerence, he would've moved on by now, especially since he rarely sees her. He can marry while still in limerence, it's just not recommended in the long haul, and it isn't entirely fair to his fiancee either. But Western culture varies a lot from Eastern culture, so I'm not sure about the standards for romantic relationships or marriage in the East.
ReplyDeletei don't know but i think may be he wants to get rid of this because he said that he has a conflict between his heart and his mind..his mind doesn't accept to love her because she isn't suitable for him but his heart can't stop loving her, he said so..he said he will always see her in his fiancee or in any woman he will be engaged to or marry..what do you think of this?
ReplyDeleteBy seeing her in his fiancee, does he mean that they share some traits (physical appearance, character traits, etc)? If so, maybe he could transfer his limerence? Although I've never heard of anyone transferring limerence purposely.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, limerence can leave a very, very deep impression on a person. Your friend has spent seven years of his life focused on one girl, who denied him, and he still hasn't gotten over that or come to terms with it. He has to if he wants to get over it. Unrequited love hurts, but that's when you get up, dust yourself off, and move on. Some people don't want to do that, don't want to go through the struggle of moving on, and that's their major problem. Moving on is way easier said than done, I know, but it is a requirement if you want to get on with your life. His fiancee obviously has feelings for him, so in my opinion, she is more deserving of him than his limerent object, who doesn't have feelings for him.
Anyhow, since he is still in limerence, she is still going to have some influence over him. But from what I understand, once the limerence dissipates completely, the limerent's view on their ex-limerent object becomes relatively neutral. If your friend ever cures his limerence, or transfers it, he won't see her in every woman he has a relationship with anymore. Which could be the ideal goal in his case.
may be they share only a very little physical appearance but he even can see his LO in every woman..i don't think he can transfer his limerence to his fiancee..but his personality isn't so tender & isn't sympathetic so i'm surprised that he still love a woman for all those long years..can any type of personality fall in limerence? even those who are not romantic?..from what i told you ,do you think that he doesn't want to recover from his limerence?..i'm waiting for your answers to my questions & thank you very much..you are a wise man & you seem older than your real age
ReplyDeleteplus he said to me once that this is better to have feelings towards his LO.. it's better than have no feelings & have no heart at all..it's better than to be a hard-hearted man because he can't have any feelings towards any other girl for all these long years
ReplyDeleteThank you. I do believe limerence can happen to any personality, but some are definitely more susceptible than others. But the more I think about limerence, the more I think it has less to do with personality. People develop limerence because I think people are missing something in their lives. Sometimes it may be self-esteem, perhaps their parents weren't very nurturing, or a problem in their marriage or relationship. That's always been one of the biggest questions for me; how limerence first begins in a person and why.
ReplyDeleteAs for your second question, there is always going to be reluctance. Limerence is a type of addiction. Addicts don't want to quit their drug because they remember their highs way more than they do their lows. Mayhap that he still gets limerent highs. Although from your comments, it sounds like he's been in a limerent low for quite awhile.
I guess you could ask your friend why is it so important to have feelings towards his LO? Does he keep dragging out his limerence because he is sees it as genuine long-lasting love? I know it's hard for non-limerents to understand limerence, but my main thought is that him holding feelings for her after all these years isn't going to change her opinion on him. In order for limerence to survive, it has to maintain a balance between hope and rejection. So he keeps her alive in his limerence because he does think that maybe one day she might give him a chance since he finally is acquiring more wealth. He has to kill his hope to kill his limerence, and that is a hard thing to do.
If anything, for now, I would have him do a little research himself on limerence. Whatever the case, I think it helps a limerent to see what they're actually going through, and that there is an actual term for it.
thank you for your answer but the thing that iam sure about is he hasn't any hope for reciprocation but he still have feelings towards his LO..do u have an interpretation for this?
ReplyDeleteIf you're absolutely positive that he doesn't harbor any hope, then the only possible reason I think is that maybe he is near the end of his limerence. Limerence without hope of reciprocation is...well, not limerence. I wouldn't go directly over what he says though. Limerence is a shameful experience. It can cause people to lie of what they feel because they're embarrassed and ashamed. It sounds ridiculous for someone to admit that they still want to get together with someone they hardly know after 7 years, no? All limerents go through some type of reaction-formation.
ReplyDeleteHi Brittany,
ReplyDeleteYou have done a terrific job on this article. I have experienced limerence about two times now and I have been researching on this topic lately...but I gotta say that you have summed it up very well.. makes me wonder if you've experienced it a lot too (lol you just sound very experienced.) And this is way too good for a 15 year old. I wish I figured it out when I was 15. Good luck with your studies.
Hey Brittany, I have just turned 16 and would like to say that this article is amazingly well written!! :D I hope you write more and I would love to read your book one day!
ReplyDeleteThank you very much!
ReplyDeleteOk, I know I'm just a liiiiiitle bit late, but I would like to tell you that your article is absolutely amazing, and is probably better written than what half of the so-called psychologists in the world could have done. I'm 16 right now, and, let me tell you, I am experiencing every.single.symptom. that you've listed. It's actually kind of scary. But I cannot tell you how much help this article is to me.I finally understand my feelings for this girl, and know that I'm not the only person in the world to feel this way. So if you don't feel like reading on, then you can stop here and know that you've helped a poor limerent guy out, but if you do, I'd like to describe my current situation and maybe get some input from you?
ReplyDeleteSo here's the deal. I've liked this girl for about 15 months now (so right on that average time length). I won't go into detail about how I felt, since it follows your article to the letter, but suffice to say, I had it bad. Now, I say had, since, just yesterday in fact, I resolved to get over it. I may be in way over my head, but I'm not stupid. I know just how unhealthy this kind of obsession is. So I guess I just want to ask you, is it even possible to consciously get over limerence, or do I really have to go through the long, painful steps and wait it out?
Thanks for any input you could give, and also for showing me that I'm not crazy :)
Hello, anon!
DeleteI am sorry to hear about your limerence and thank you for your comment. As far as I've read on other limerents' cases on Limerence Experienced, some people do have varying success in consciously getting rid of limerence. I say varying because, well, what is the definition of "getting over" limerence? Indifference towards the LO? No longer seeking a high? The problem with this definition is that limerents do experience these things, however, it could just mean their limerence is in low ebb and can, by all means, still continue. From what I've seen, most limerents have kind of subjugated limerence before, but have not totally been rid of it. As I've learned more about limerence and the limerence cycle, I would say the most opportune time to try and get rid of it would be when feelings towards the LO are at low power. In my honest opinion, I think it is near impossible or just completely impossible to kill limerence when the feelings for LO are still strong. I only say this because trying to stop it can actually have the opposite effect since adversity is said to increase it. There is also the matter of limerence being a involuntarily state of mind so to control it would take extreme self-control. Unfortunately, it is mostly a waiting game and I don't yet see a gateway to a cure, but only ways to help relieve it. The solution to limerence that I stated in my article is purely experimental, and I don't know if it could actually work. I once knew a limerent who woke up one day, and just didn't feel the same way about their LO. They were no longer attracted to them, just like that, over the course of an ordinary night. Her limerence had lasted almost 5 years. For the last two years of her limerence, there was no contact, and had only seen her LO in person about twice. I wouldn't know whether to call this starvation, or if there is another possible end to limerence. I was thinking about editing this article and adding it as another end to limerence called "burnout", where the limerent simply does not get "high" off their LO because of prolonged limerence. The problem is that this is the only case I know of where it happened so I think it might be too early.
Anyway, sorry for the novel I just wrote you. In summation, the answer to your question is yes. My advice would be to wait until you don't feel as strongly towards your LO, and then take advantage of it and stop contact. Of course, this is difficult because you can't predict when this low will happen.
Anyway, best of luck with your limerence.
- Brittany Thaw
Oh wow. I didn't think you'd actually reply! Thanks! I am working hard on it, and only time will tell if it will work :P I just want to restate how helpful your article, and now your reply have been to me. I have always believed that understanding a problem is the first step to getting past it, and well, that's exactly what you've helped me do. Thanks again!
DeleteAmazing article, indeed. It's hard to believe someone so young can aprehend in such a precise way a concept which is so difficult to understand.
ReplyDeleteI'm 35 years old and limerent since I was 24. I've been unable to fight this feeling, though its been dormant during long periods of time, as my OC was living abroad with her partner. Now she has come back to my city and I am experiencing a rollercoaster that's making me very unhappy.
I must say that in this case the OC is a woman I've known since I was a kid, though I developed the feeling when I was in my mid-twenties. I've been able to build a real friendship around the OC along the years, being present in crucial moments of her life. I do not feel I'm being selfish in any way, but I certainly fit most of the symptoms you talk about in your article. Being aware that there is no reprocity towards my feelings, I just keep hoping she will notice me someday, and as I don't want to loose her friendship, I just do not reveal my true feelings. I've been completely unable to feel interested in any other woman for the last ten years.
Thanks a lot for your efforts. Please forgive my bad English, as I'm not an English native speaker.
Best regards, and keep up with this amazing job!!
Ups, when I wrote OC I really meant LO (limerent object)!!
ReplyDeleteBR
You just broke my heart into little pieces...
ReplyDeleteBut yeah, I understand much of what you wrote, great article by the way! I didn't even knew I was a Limerent until I read this, and I have to say that the part that hurt me the most was the fate one... It's not like I completely believe on that, but I can't help to feel the emotion of hopelessness when I read that. I really hate being a Limerent and well, i'm bipolar too so being a Limerent REALLY doesn't help... at-all. :(
Hello anon! I'm sorry to hear about your limerence. However, understanding it is always the first step to overcoming it. Best wishes to you and your limerence.
DeleteI have been scouring the net looking for this, because it describes me to a tee. I am a married woman with kids, married for some time now. When my husband and I first met and dated it was all puppies, unicorns and roses. He went away on military duty several times in the early years of our marriage and I was perfectly in love with him and perfectly faithful.
ReplyDeleteAfter a while, I guess you could say it is like that song "You Lost That Lovin' Feeling." Because I was seeing many of his flaws that I overlooked in the early years. This is typical in many marriages but what is NOT typical is what has been happening in my inner thoughts for the last few years. I have had what must be Limerent episodes. Intense crushes on, for example, fictional characters, dead historical figures, and in the last few months, a man who I have never met. This most recent one has been in my head for almost 5 months now, and I cannot get this man out of my mind. I did something really silly recently, I was so longing to have this man "know" me that, knowing the man is a salesman, contacted his company to inquire about a product. After receiving some emails from him which were written in a nice and friendly tone, I felt on Cloud Nine. I was literally swooning "HE KNOWS ME NOW! WE COULD BE FRIENDS!" He had written about me coming to his area, purchasing the products and of course all I could think of is there is no way in HELL I would ever meet him in person knowing he is married, just as I am. I mean, if I actually met him, I would faint dead, and my heart would be broken knowing all I am is a customer, not his wife.
So this is crazy and pathetic. It is horrible for my marriage. All I want is to feel passion for my own husband. Not a salesman who doesn't even know me, not silly fictional characters. I want to fall in love with him again, and gosh, I wish there could be a way I could transfer the "limerance" back unto him.
Hello! I apologize for the late reply.
DeletePerhaps you've already noticed this, but it sounds like you are attracted to things you can't have, or the unknown. This is not a bad thing, but is rather common among people I would say. Especially within limerence because its the unknown that feeds it. You've already had a pattern of being attracted to people who are out of reach. The dead historical crushes, fictional characters, the salesman you currently have limerence for, and even your husband because he was away on duty for awhile. My question would be: What traits do all of them share? I think that it's always helpful to find out what personality traits that we seek in other partners. I wouldn't claim to be an expert on marriage, and you've probably already thought of this, but just try to focus on what drew you to your husband in the first place. Or maybe even role play or something. Perhaps you'll develop more passion for him if you make him seem less available to you. I wish you the best in your limerence. I know having limerence for a practical stranger is often one of the most painful episodes.
I am a damn limerent. I found this out today and it completely describes two relationships in my life. One was Limerent-Non Limerent and the other Limerent-Limerent. The prior was my first love and the latter my last love 15 years later and ending last month. It helps to know that there are others out there that have this thing and that it is false love; not something to be cherished. It changes my outlook and your article is going to help me greatly. Amazing 15 year old I have to say.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! That means a lot. Yes, limerence is very deceiving. It hurts limerents to know that what they're feeling is actually pretty unhealthy, but my purpose isn't to make them feel ashamed, only to make them understand why it's unhealthy and hopefully for them to help themselves in whatever way they can. Once again, thank you.
Deletedo you still read the comments? as i would like to share my story and ask questions but i would rather not make myself right it all out if you dont read the comments anymore.
ReplyDeletethanks for this amazing piece :)
Hi anon. Yes, I still read the comments but now I usually only check them every couple weeks. Thank you for your comment. I would love to hear your story. If it makes you any comfortable, you can email me at bnthaw@hotmail.com if you want more privacy/security.
ReplyDeleteI'd be curious to know why limerent-limerent relationships would be destructive. On the surface it seems like reciprocal attraction would be ideal.
ReplyDeleteHello halfjapanese,
DeleteI'm sure the majority of limerents would love it if their LO was equally limerent for them. It'd certainly be a dream come true. However, limerents tend to think that once they obtain their LO, then all their problems would be solved (so to speak). They already have this idea locked into their head of what the relationship would be like because they've fantasized it thousands of times. The problem with this is that the relationship doesn't live up to those expectations in the end (even for limerent-limerent bonds) and they tend to lose interest. They already have a set image in their mind of how LO would treat them, behave, etc and most often, this image is glorified and false. This doesn't go for all limerents who start a relationship with their LO, but I would say a lot of the times, for sure. Now to address your question, I say destructive because it is mutually unhealthy. Unless, of course, the relationship eventually evolved into a nonlimerent-nonlimerent one. Despite achieving total limerent reciprocation, the limerents would still have highs and lows because that is a major quality that belongs to limerence. A limerent will still have doubts, even if it's revealed their LO is limerent for them as well. They'll understand their needs better, but the case still holds. Limerents read too much into subtle behaviors that often don't mean anything and I don't even think a fellow limerent could stop that from occurring. A limerent-limerent relationship would be a dream in the beginning, but only for a short while because it would become extremely demanding in the long term if the limerence doesn't change. I've only read a few cases about a limerent-limerent relationship on the group Limerence Experienced and most of what I've written is what I'd generally expect of such a case. I'll confess that "destructive" is an extreme word to use and I used it because I find limerence to be detrimental itself, and I would consider a limerent-limerent relationship to be pretty explosive; too strong of a reaction. On the other hand, I know a handful of limerents don't regret their limerence because they've grown from it, or realized things and problems about themselves that they weren't aware of until their limerence started. I tend to focus on the negative aspects of limerence so my answers will be more inclined towards that aspect.
I intend to do a revise my writing when I am on Spring Break, and will go into more depth for the bonds. Thank you for your interest, and I hope I've answered your question thoroughly enough. :-)
Hello. Just wanted to say, THANK YOU! For deciding to go ahead and write this and publish it on the internet. You're a talented writer and life & love experience or not? You express things very well and sound far wiser & beyond your years. I know limerence is an intrusive, involuntary, repeated thought process that can be painful, destructive and I dare say, even damaging to one's physical health as well as mental well being. There is certainly an intensifying effect if a limerent is OCD. Stumbling across this was very helpful for me for countless reasons I won't post in your comments section. Just thanks & awesome piece of research writing. Peace & blessings
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your comment and I am glad to have been able to help you.
DeleteHello. I couldn't help but leave a comment as i'm incredibly impressed by this article. You show great wisdom for a person of any age.
ReplyDeleteI myself am going through a limerant episode over a coworker whom is in a relationship. I've worked with her for 18 months now and my feelings have slowly developed from finding her attractive to obsessing about her daily. i had previously mistaken my feelings for her as love before coming across the term "limerence". Having many of the symptoms that you've posted such as seeing her through rose-tinted glasses and "game playing".
She has been in a relationship the entire time i have known her and has always been in love with her boyfriend. Yet despite this transparent obstacle my obsession for her grew and intensified and i deluded myself into thinking she was attracted to me. I was having frequent down swings ranging from often crying at home to being despondent and unresponsive around coworkers including the LO.
Around a month ago i overcame my fear of rejection and told her how i felt. Things did not turn out how i hoped, for the first week i was still in denial that my feelings weren't reciprocated, until she "clarified" the matter. The next few weeks were hellish culminating in a breakdown at work.
Yet despite whats happened(happening)i see light at the end of tunnel, i've got great support from family and friends. I see now how my bad habits led me to this situation and i'm sure once this is all over i'll come back stronger.
Sorry for the long post, but wanted to speak my mind and on the off chance you may find it interesting ;). Again many thanks for posting this article.
Hello. I appreciate your comment and being able to tell me your story, which I was quite interested in. You were brave in telling your LO how you felt. I admire and respect you for being able to start to come out of your limerence in a healing process. It takes a lot of willpower to be able to do that, and even a keen insight of yourself to see what led you to this. I'm positive as well that you'll come out of this stronger. Way to keep your head up and good luck. ~
DeleteHello again,
DeleteI'd like to update you on whats happened since my post and fill in some details that i gleened, not particularly for advice but more so for your own interest and perhaps you could even use this as a case study to refer to in future dissertations or assignments.
I'll start a little of topic however i believe it has some relevance to recent events. I'm not a junkie, however i have taken a recreational drug recently called alpha-Methyltryptamine. i've taken this four seperate occasions from late december to mid february.
The last experience was particularly intense and i experienced great feelings of what i thought were empathy and insight. i also confessed my feelings of the girl to my sister.
Before the last drug experience i believe i was thinking rationally about the girl i.e felt i had pretty sound evidence that she was attracted to me( which i can go into if you want me to), but understood she was in a relationship. however after the drug i was thinking irrationally, and felt i had a solid chance with her.
back on topic
My breakdown happened on the 18th of march and i was presribed an antidepressent sertraline 50mg. This initially helped deal with my downswings and i wasn't crying as hysterically and i could confront my own personal problems to some degree.
However things began to take a turn for the worse while taking the medication and my mood was even more erratic.In the downs i would cry hysterically, feel a sense of hopelessness even had suicidal thoughts. The ups were just as bad, i would feel as if i had great focus and awareness, and high levels of "empathy" and "insight".
Unfortunately my family did not see this (rightly so!)and were finding it increasingly distressing and intense talking to me. I would be in an near constant analytical mood and require constant attention, unable to switch off and chat casually. I was frequently restless and paced around the house all day and struggled sleeping.
My family realised the anti deps were exacerbating my condition and got me off the drug on 3 of april. i was switched to another anti dep, however i didn't take it even though i was prescriped it.
DeleteSince coming off the drug my mood swings are less severe. and my general state has improved each day since (although i have been suffering from axious symptons which i have been prescribed a beta blocker;propanolol).
My step father has done research in order to help figure out whats happening with me (by no mean professional or correct but hes super smart(iq around 160) and has a scientific approach to gathering and testing information.
At first he felt that the amt drug has had a lasting affect and i was producing higher levels of serotonin(or whatever its called can't remember ha ha).
His theory has recently switched. He believes i'm bipolar (or something along those lines). and have had bipolar tendencies for some years now which were left untreated as they went under the radar. and am going through an episode perhaps triggered from the amt.
So essentially the ups were mania and the downs depression. I have stopped myself from doing my own research as i believe i have habits of twisting facts to suit theories rather than the other way round. But my father showed me symptons of bipolar disorder and its difficult to refute the evidence.
However i am under no delusions (lol), he's not a doctor and i really need to get diagnosed. i have a councillor and swiched on father which will hopefully go someway to getting to that point. But i don't have reliable GP's (general practisioners), the best way to get bipolar diagnosed is during an manic episode and two doctors have missed 3 or 4 opportunites now!
This i realise has gone wayward of limerence but there are still connections of my own habits to limerence i believe. Some differences as i feel i'm pretty good friends with the girl at work. But my understanding of limerence is that its based off assumptions,and occurs when people require someone to emotionally dependent on, when for a healthy relationship to occur you require emotional independence.
I saw this girl as my salvation. Yet all she would of been was a form of escapeism for me. Being with her would have made me to continue to neglect my other more pressing problems. Her rejecting me was the best thing that could have happened to me.
Real apologies for the essay, i've given you a decent overview of my situation, yet its still an incomplete story. If you want i can fill you in with the details, but i would prefer not continue on comments sections on blogs ha ha.
Congrats if you've got to end :)
I am relieved and at the sometime heartbroken, for I thought it was actually love I felt, the symptoms debilitating, rather exhausting. I even thought it was my LO that was playing mind games with me! Finding out that the Madness I've been going through for the last year has a name and a detailed explication is nice. It always helps me when I gain an understanding of things in depth. I no longer have that awful feel of confusion or like I'm stuck in place anymore, I am determined to get to the underlying issues I'm having that has me trapped in this state of Limerence. I refuse to continue like this, it's truly miserable. And unfair for the poor girl I dragged into all this. Thanks for your Article!
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome, and I, of course, thank you for leaving a comment. It does help to know that other people have gone through the same experience and that there is indeed a name for it. I wish you the best in your recovery stage; you've already passed the first step, which was acknowledging that your limerence is debilitating. Sometimes it helps to find out why you're so drawn to your LO (qualities, traits, etc), and that provides even more understanding. Once again, thank you for your comment.
DeleteThis is so long I have to make it 2 or 3 posts sorry! Brittany, I hope you pursue a career in this! I've been searching for a limerence "cure" for a few weeks, and NOTHING has come close 2 your work. YOU SHOULD BE SELLING YOUR SERVICES:)! I'm a special case. It's gonna be a long story, so I apologize. But I need help- I'm between jobs and w/out insurance so no therapy available. If it wasn't for you, I would be stuck in the "waiting it out" horrible horrible phase. I now know that I've always been limerent. How horrible is that- imagine every relationship and some simple acquaintances for 40 years- limerent! I'm so ashamed! I think it's because my dad left me when I was young, but not sure, cause I always thought I simply had no feelings for him. Is it possible that the abandonment still could have impacted me subconciously? 1 thing is for sure, he passed along some addictive genes. He was an alcoholic that had his way with the ladies. I see a lot of him in me and it's concerning because I have 2 children and don't want my destructive behavior to leave my boys feeling they have no father. Anyway, back to my genes. I've a very addictive personality (severe). I love being high. Once I knew I was limerent in the most recent episode, I smoked pot all day because I knew my feelings were wrong (I'm married) and my LO was forbidden. More on that later. But yeah, I'm a high junkie...doesn't matter if it's chemical or physical or mental...anything I can do to stay hi. This episode was so bad that I would go jogging in the morning (physical high), smoke pot immediately after to intensify my hi, go to work and think about my LO and make plans to make her happy, plan for our future together, etc...then smoke more, go see her, etc...Long story short, once I get insurance I will certainly being getting addictive personality treatment- THANK YOU!
ReplyDeleteMy current case of limerence is quite a story. Ive been married for 9 yrs and most of those I have hated my marriage. My spouse is emotionally unavailable and I've always questioned our marriage and my spouses commitment. But then had kids and thought we'd tough it out. Then came some financial hardship and my world was sinking quick. I started smoking pot daily. A bit before this all happened I met my LO and she is close to the family. She is/ was young at this point (underage) and I in my 30's (and please don't judge me yet- until I give you rest of story). Over years, I ended up being her rock as her father died and her mom and her hate each other. For the 1st few years, everything was fine, she was a very lost teen girl and I genuinely had her best interests in mind. Her mom knew how close we were. Then one day she told me she wanted to date a guy at 17 (her mom was going to give her a car when she turned 18 if she didn't date because her and guys= no good). It was in that moment- when she said she was going to date this guy, that I knew I was limerent for her (I thought it was "in love"). I was freaking out and majorily depressed. and so mad at myself. it just hit me right in the f'in face HARD. Shortly before she turned 18, after I had been drinking she brought up our relationship and came out and said that she loves me but not in boyfriend way. i told her the truth. We spoke the next day and we started planning our escape. She didn't reject me! She wanted to leave her mom and i was ready to leave my wife (as pathetic as that seems) for this relationship. The plan was that she would spend 5-10 years with me to find herself before she goes on to dating. I would pretty much be her sugar daddy only no sex and no expectations for long term (although I probably wanted). I didn't care she'd be using me cause we were really happy (at least she told me she was). She has a security issue and just wants to feel loved and secure and so I took advantage of this, but again didn't feel bad cause we were happy and she chose this plan over going on with a typical teenagers life (college, drunken stupidity, in and out relationships, etc...) and she chose me. We both really just wanted happiness and thought we could provide this for each other. Not that it matters but the LO is 18 and looks like she's 28 and acts like she's 38. I look and act 30. She was there emotionally for me (filled my void there, and then my wife would fill my physical needs as twisted as that is:( ...
ReplyDeleteIn your article you mentioned that music can mean a lot, and boy- you hit the nail on the head. We went to concerts and I was able to "get her to" stop listening to rap crap and more mature stuff and she liked it and then we found a million songs that kind of described "our love" even though it wasn't romantic. In fact 2 months ago she downloaded a ton of music onto my IPOD and the music now haunts me. A month and a half ago my wife pieced everything together and confronted her and the LO spilled her guts. It was over. Now. I'm glad that she will go and experience a "normal life" because I know she wondered if she was going to miss anything. What makes it so weird is because i do have that "fatherly" type love for her and truly want great things for her. I genuinely want her to succeed with or without me. But now, as everything is being played out, of course I'm the big loser and she is now being fed what a monster I am and so on. I know she knows different (maybe me holding onto hope) and I just want one conversation with her- even with my wife on the phone- that speaks to the disgusting nature of everything. I never sexually approached her and she told me she'd let me know if I crossed a line and I know she was happy when we were together. We were always laughing, connecting on a cerebral level that I never had with my wife who is double her age:( I am going mad because I'm forbidden to talk to her and i just want her to know that I had a good love for her too. Seriously makes me overly depressed that she thinks the worst about me when she should know that I really care about her. Just really needed to tell me story because I feel completely alone (even tho my wife wants to work it out supposedly) in this world and it's horrible. I guess I deserve my pain. Any insight is appreciated. If you're too disgusted, I understand.
ReplyDeleteNo, I don't judge you at all. Limerence is involuntary, so that doesn't mean it's immune to having large age gaps, even if your LO is underage, and beating yourself up over how inappropriate it is will just make it worse on yourself. Still take responsibility for your actions, but know that going over how wrong it is won't make the feelings go away. Your story is interesting, if I do say so myself, and I appreciate you for taking the time to explain it to me. I'm not a qualified/certified psychologist so I'm just going to bounce a theory around and see what stems out of it:
DeleteFrom what I understand, you seem to worry a lot about not being like your father. You don't want your kids to feel abandoned by you. Your LO wasn't abandoned by her father, but he did die, and so in a sense she was "abandoned". Your LO and her mom also have a dysfunctional relationship. It seems like you wanted to take on that role as a father because of your childhood experience of abandonment. Maybe your limerence stemmed from you wanting to look over her. Perhaps subconsciously, you didn't want your LO to be abandoned, and you find security in providing a parental figure for her. Like you said yourself, you took advantage of her wanting to feel loved and secure, however, you also found security in her being somewhat dependent on you. Whether this roots back to your own childhood is an answer I think you can discover yourself.
Despite whatever happened, I'm sure your LO has a pretty solid opinion of you. From what I understand, you were a father figure to her for a couple of years. And that's what she needed from you, and I'm near positive that she still appreciates that. You had her set boundaries, and you didn't sexually approach her. Sure, you can appreciate the times you had together but what it comes down to is this: if your plan had worked out (you leaving your wife, her spending a couple years with you, etc), you would be in a similar boat. You know she views you as a father figure. You'd still ache over her as you are now, but maybe now your own kids would end up feeling abandoned. My advice right now would be to focus on your kids, and talk things out with your spouse. Discuss your problems with each other, explain to her why you feel she is not emotionally available to you. I know it's really difficult, and being unable to talk to LO is just increasing the limerence, but try to do things that somewhat take your mind off of it. Hobbies are always a nice way to do that, and maybe you can even direct some of the feelings towards your kids. Acknowledge your limerence, but don't let it ruin your family. Perhaps your marriage won't work out in the end, but your wife seems to want it to work and I believe you should too, at least for now.
In the meanwhile, I think it'd be beneficial for you to read about "attachment theory". I do believe an affinity for addictions is hereditary, but recently there has been some discussions that one of the causes of limerence is explained in the attachment theory.
I truly am sorry about your limerence, as it sounds like you're going through a real shit-storm right now.
Thank you again Brittany for your time. Shit storm. Yep, that couldn't be more perfectly stated for my situation. Being able to identify with some things because of YOU :), I've been feeling better about tackling this fu@k%$g curse. I'm committed to not only beating limerence this episode but figuring out how to never let it happen again.
DeleteWhen reading your response, one behavior of mine came to mind. Maybe you've heard this before, but sometimes when I feel insecure in a relationship, I have like freakouts/ panicking and do things and say things that ultimately push relationship over a cliff (the full while while freaking out, I'm completely cognizant of what I'm doing but can't control it). So pathetic!
You expressed some intrigue about my bizarre situation, so I'm going to ask perhaps an awkward question...as I go down this road of beating limerence's ass, would you like to stay in touch with me and dig in perhaps a bit on my propensity to find a state of limerence. Case study type, bounce ideas/ theory around. If so, my email is LL5656@yahoo.com if not I completely understand and am embarassed to ask you this. Regardless, I appreciate your time and your original post.
No problem! I enjoy helping limerents, and it's something I want to try and do as a career, so you're helping me as well by discussing your limerence with me.
DeleteAnd yes! That would be good. I'll email the rest of my response to you.
First off, I think that you were one damn smart 15 year old, you should really be sure to mention this on any college app/essay you write, because it really demonstrates your initiative, and honestly the comments section really demonstrates how effective and informative this single post was.
ReplyDeleteI found this very interesting to read. I was oblivious about the term until I saw it mentioned in a thread in the INFJ sub forum of PerC, and with a little digging, your article came up. Reading about this subject was weird, because it was like someone took all of my thoughts and "theories" about how I was feeling, what was causing it and how could go about ending it and organized them. It was like I had all of the pieces, but never realized the full scope of the issue, or how the fantasies were psychologically acting.
I first became limerent sometime around September. I was hopeful that I would get to know a girl that I hadn't taken the opportunity to get to know before the school year ended. When I first really noticed her, it was because she was displaying signs of interest towards me. I can say this objectively because I wasn't limerent at the time. It was really nothing to serious, but it did peak my interest a little bit. Summer went by, and nothing really happened - I said happy birthday on her social networking page, but that's about it, she really started to fade away from my mind almost entirely.
Then I saw a picture of her sometime towards the end of August that for some reason made me really curious about who she was, and what she'd been thinking. In comes the hope. I started thinking that it'd be cool if we had a class together, maybe I could get to know this person, see what happens from there. Well we didn't, and I was kinda disappointed, but somewhat set to move on to something more present.
It just took something small. I was admittedly already in a somewhat weak emotional state; I wasn’t very used to being forced into social situations with people I didn’t know, and that was pretty much a daily occurrence as part of a program I was in at the time. I eventually got over that fear, but before that happened, she said “hey” to me so friendlily in the hall. Instead of my curiosity fading, I was suddenly uncertain about what had happened. Had I missed an opportunity to become friends with someone on a fundamental level, or maybe I had missed something even more? (I really can’t and don’t blame her for how that affected me; it was just somewhat unfortunate timing).
Now after that, we can pretty effectively say that all contact with her stopped. I said “hey” once to her as she was passing, and then we never talked again.
Never. Not even a little bit – never.
By the end of September, I was in full limerence, and it felt pretty awful. In October I was so sad that it was painful, and that was really the beginning of what probably looked a lot like depression. I don’t know if it was actual depression, resulting from a perpetual state of uncertainty, or if it was just the limerence in and of it self, but it sucked more then anything I’d experienced, mentally or physically. By November, I saw the real need for a change. I was crippled. I wasn’t becoming what I could be, what I wanted to be, what I needed to be, what I was supposed to be.
One of the most difficult things about being limerent, is how petty of a problem it can seem to be. “It’s a crush, *shrugs* get over it.” So you try that, you “move on”, but for some reason she’s still there in your mind. And you know it’s not her - you don’t know her, but there is what she could be. It was around that time I stopped wanting to hope, if I lost hope, I’d be free - but I couldn’t stop hoping.
I tried writing a letter to her, to send anonymously, but I’d choke up, the words wouldn’t flow. Plus I didn’t want to be over bearing on her, for her to get overwhelmed.
(continued)
In the middle of December, I had a dream that we were going to talk to each other about the way we felt. I didn’t know what was going to happen, but whatever it was, it’d move me out of this state – similar to reciprocation vs rejection. It didn’t happen.
ReplyDeleteThis is what I wrote about it, it’s pretty melodramatic, but then, so is this whole thing…
The realization was instant
The time it took my eyes to open
Was just long enough for all of the euphoria,
Excitement, fleeting joy, anticipation and frisson
To be replaced with a feeling disappointment
Disappointment in myself
That’s also when I realized that I’d become indifferent towards reciprocation, I still wanted it, a lot, but above all I wanted to be out of the state I was in (limerence), and rejection didn’t seem so bad after that.
In January, there was a chance that I might get into a class with her. I really wanted to be in the class anyways, but the idea of being able to get to know her increased that a lot. I didn’t, and I didn’t get any other classes with her either, so come second semester I decided that I’d try the moving on thing again, and I sent this message to her anonymously (it’d be pretty easy for someone to make you shunned socially for saying something like this), hoping that it would help me move on:
“Hey,
I wanted you to know, that for the last 9 months or so I've been in love with you, or "crushing" on you, or infatuated with you - Whatever you want to call it, it's all been in spite of a complete lack of any connection between us, be it classes, conversations or just about anything. I've been far too hopeful that I might get to know you. I knew months ago that aside from luck, there wasn't really much I could do to do that. By then, the time to for action was already long gone, and I was just left with a good bit of regret.
It's been a pretty epic bout of emotional immaturity that I haven't been able to move on, and my perception of you hasn't helped. I was that if I waited long enough, I would forget what I felt and move on, but I just ended up spending a bunch of time depressed, and discontented with myself with the knowledge that I was the only one to blame. Through that I still clung to a hope that there might be a class I'd have with you second semester, and that from there I could find out what was the right thing to do, either way. But that didn't happen, and now I just really need to move on...”
Ironically, by doing that I just gave myself more to cling on to. I’d thought I had moved on, or at least hoped I had, but that didn’t really last. Throughout the rest of February and March, I emotionally kept throwing myself against what felt like a wall standing between this state of uncertainty and freedom. It felt like next to this wall was a limerent black hole, and apposing both of those was being with her.
I sent her this message not two weeks ago, at a low point of that emotional roller coaster ride:
“The emotion’s ever persistent. There’s no way to turn it off, or reasoning that throw it out. When I flip the switch, the results are muddled and temporary. The effect wears off, and I begin to search for what I’m living for, but it’s not here. I flip it off and off, hoping that maybe it someday it’ll quit bouncing back until I grow weary of all of the running. What’s the point of a life spent living without love? Why do I have to base my love in such desperately unreachable ideals? Why must I need this? It makes all the sense in the world for me to decide to simply be content being alone - I’d be so much happier for it. I can’t express to my meager collection of distant friends the inner turmoil that I go through over this, that for the hundredth time, I went home today and wept about something that didn’t happen, and didn’t happen before that, and probably won’t happen for quite a while. I’m lost. I know I’ll always keep trying, but where can I go?”
I also included
“If I’m bothering you, please tell me to stop.”
(continued again!)
Because of the way I sent them, I have no way of knowing whether she got either of those messages or not. It would make sense if she had got them, it would make sense if she hadn’t gotten them, facebook’s annoying and has two message boxes, and she hasn’t replied to either of them, which, in most situations I suppose that would be the best course of action for both parties.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, I also started to try to bump into her, be it consciously or unconsciously, I’m sure I’ve done both. That didn’t get me anywhere, I didn’t glean any kind of sign of rejection from it, and once I realized what I was doing, I started avoiding her every chance I could instead.
So, now… I understand this a lot better then I did before now, but I still want to get to know her subconsciously, and I still subconsciously hope that that may happen. I also desire her rejection, a lot. In conscious thought, I try to ignore these desires, these hopes, but they’re impeccably persistent, and I’m unsure whether what I’m doing will actually manage to pull me out of this or not. I could try talking to her about it – to get her rejection, to be clear – but that could have social repercussions, and she probably wouldn’t want to have to deal with some really emotional stranger. I think I will email her a link to your post, that way she can get some sort of idea what that was all about, incase she actually did read those.
Well, only time will tell now. I’m very thankful for your post, and if you have the time you should keep posting on it. I think I am getting better though; I wrote this with out crying, which is way more then I could say about those other two messages I re-posted above. Once I’m through this, I’ll have to make sure that I don’t let it happen again, and if it does, I’ll have to make sure that get some sort of answer from that person before it does too much damage…
Yeah, so thank you again! I’m actually really hopeful about this.
Hello anon, I'm sorry to hear about your limerence. To me, limerence is very similar to quicksand; the more you fight it, the deeper you sink into it. Anyway, it seems to me that you really want to make your feelings known to her. That's why you sent these anonymous messages, and eventually the facebook ones. I know limerent lows can make you do things that you later want to kick yourself for, but the bright side is that some disclosure is better than no disclosure. In the meanwhile, I'd get a notebook and write down the messages instead of sending them. Although you have inner turmoil you want to let out, think about how she feels when she reads these messages. Unless she has experienced limerence, they might be too heavy for her. At least with a journal you're still getting your feelings out. It seems simple, but it really helps rather than letting the feelings get pent up. Write whatever you're thinking, and don't worry about what she'd think about it because it's for you.
DeleteI'd also try to get involved in something to take your mind off it. It seems like you're in a low right now, and the best thing to do right now is to keep busy, even though it is challenging because your brain wants you to keep thinking about LO. No matter the outcome, I wish you the best in your recovery. I'm glad to know that you seem hopeful for the future. Stay strong and remember that although limerence is involuntary, you can still choose on how to act from it.
I'm so relieved to have found your post, thank you. Just putting a name to this thing - limerence - is such a relief. I'd never heard of the word until today and it describes me and my odd situation. From your symptoms, I'm limerent and crazy as this may sound, my LO appears to be limerent with me as well. We work together. He's married and I'm single.There's a lot of attraction. It did feel like love at first sight for me, he literally took my breath away, and still does. However, I refuse to cross the line with a married man, no matter how keen he appears to be. It's all so messy. Most of the signs in your post makes sense for myself and what appears to be the same symptoms in my LO's behaviour. I've been through all the symptoms described in your post - it's all horrible with highs and delusions and all true. I'm also old fashioned in romance, so I don't show how I feel to my LO because I refuse to cross the line with a married man even when I'm attracted to him.. I also want to be professional at work. I feel like a fraud with my LO but it feels too scary doing anything else when he's married and its at work. All this 'hiding' I think is part of the reason the situation has just got worse. It has highs for me when we interact but the lows aren't really too bad, as I accept he's married and he has been the one making most of the moves. Because I'm a prude, when he does this, I think less of him. In my books, its pretty disgusting behaviour in a married man - another reason its so confusing sometimes. Married people should get single first and then make their moves. I don't know why he doesn't get it that I can't show anything while he's married! Most of the time, he seems very nervous around me He didn't use to be at first, he used to be quite cocky and sexually aggressive, but now he is very anxious around me. I try my best to make him relaxed but most of the time I'm slightly nervous myself because of how I really feel about him. Sometimes, he seems to seek 'quick fixes' and 'quick highs' from getting my attention, but nothing deeper develops because it all takes place at work and I won't take it further and make a fool of myself over a married man, even though I'm very attracted to him. I've never been in this situation before with any of my past relationships but then, I never thought I could fall in love with a married man. This limerence is also stopping me from moving on to a relationship with another man in my life who who is in love with me. But I can't stop thinking about my LO. I don't want to start another relationship when I haven't understood what's going on with me in this limerence. And I do believe in soul mates because I felt an instant connection with my LO that continues even now, beyond the physical, like we can sense each other's feelings without speaking. I have only felt that once before and that was a wonderful relationship that ended on good terms and in its own time. Some people don't believe in soul mates kind of love but I'm a romantic and I do believe in spiritual connection between people. If anyone has any answers for me, I'll be very grateful to you. Thank you again for this information. You are very wise and you've helped me, even though I have a very long way to go yet.
ReplyDeleteHi, thank you so much for your comment. I think it's really good that your morals have caused you to sometimes view him in a negative light. Not every limerent can do that, even with morals. I'm unsure if this is going to make you feel better or worse about your situation, however, I have to say that a lot of limerents feel some deep connection with their LOs. It's common. Another thing that is less common, but something that still occurs is limerents thinking their LOs are limerent for them as well. I'm not saying you're wrong about him; he could very well be limerent since his demeanor changed with you. The downside is that you can't know if he's actually feeling the highs and lows unless you directly ask him.
DeleteMy advice would be this: try and take actions from your LO as a grain of salt, and be aware that you could misinterpret some things. Unfortunately, LOs are just a big, giant mystery and I think that is what draws some attraction. Normally I would suggest disclosing your feelings to him in order to get rid of some of the uncertainty, but I understand that since you are in a workplace together that it wouldn't exactly be totally beneficial. The next best thing would be to focus on that negative aspect you have of him. It's something that you can exploit and hopefully use to your advantage.
All the best.
Hey, I just wanted to drop in here and leave the most profound thank you possible. I've been afflicted with limerence for as long as I can remember (nearly 23 now). It's been the same song and dance with every girl I've every girl I've ever had feelings for, there's a mutual attraction, we get a little closer, limerence kicks in, she gets distant, I get obsessive. But after reading your post, I've been overcome by a tidal wave of indifference towards my LO. I mean, she's a really cool person, and we have a lot in common, but realistically just aren't compatible. And I literally feel like my brain has rewired itself, and I'm currently going through physical feelings like something is being siphoned from every muscle in my body. Sounds odd, I know, but you have no idea how relieving this is for me. All because I finally have a name for my enemy. So I say again, thank you so very very much for this, and I wish you the best of luck in your travels.
ReplyDeleteRegards,
Jim Anon
Hi Jim,
DeleteThank you so much. I'm really glad to hear that you've gained some indifference towards LO. However, just be aware that there are some cycles of that in limerence. One week your indifferent towards LO, and the next you're hit with limerence again so hard that it knocks the air out of you. The only thing I'll say is to keep that realistic attitude up, and remember why you aren't compatible. Once again, I'm glad that you've gotten some relief out of this, and I wish you good luck.
you are going to change a shitload of lives one day i hope you know that
ReplyDeletei fist thought of mailing u in d e-mail adress u hv provided,later on i thought of taking your permission 1st. i would like to tell u my story in a gist as well, i am a introvert person, was pretty quite in school, my parents r working , i didnt hv much frnds, i had 2 crushes during school life (one was my best frnd frm childhood and i had a hard time getting over )but finally got over them, in college i came into quite frndly terms with a guy, but it didn't work out, (here i would like to mention he used to call me a lot at 1st, later on it decreased to a certain extent, i used to feel bad, and once whn he called me after 3 days, i didn't pick up d phn,he called me several times thn i did pick up, this i used to do whenever he ignored me for 4-5 days)later on due to his breaking of a promise , i was very hurt , and blamed him , after whc he stopped contacting for long and neither did i call back, but i used to cry a lot but tried to divert my attention to studies , after 3-4 months he called me up and said he is committed to some1, after whc we hardly had contacts ,but thn he's d one who keeps on contacting me occasionally(its been a yr now he has broken up with d girl he got committed after being together for 3yrs or so), but i nvr call him up, unless its something very important and he's d only one i can get d infro frm, after this incident i was so torn up i didnt want to enter into any relationshp,after whc i met a guy who although i was not interested insisted on knowing me more , and wht drew his interest was my posts on orkut( i did not knw ths guy personally met him online, he was into medical studies ) but thn after i started developing a sort of fondness for him , i didnt receive much reply frm his side, whc made me pretty angry and frustrated , i used to send him long msgs , but mostly he used to reply late and it was like i was not infront of d comp etc, in d midst of all these i happened to meet another person through yahoo chat , ths guy whom i met was going through hell, he is rich but his parents didn't pay him much attention, he used to drink smoke, is 2 yrs younger to me, was into drug abuse as well but quit it (he already quit d drugs whn we met) , his gf was using him as well, i felt sympathy for ths person, i started to guide him, told him to quit smoking drinking , whc after some time he did, he broke up with his x,he started calling me a lot we used to talk for hours ,he conveyed feelings for me, whc at 1st i had no intention to accept due to previous bad experiences (mean while d medical stu guy did call me but i ignored him and i got over frm him) but i dont knw how i developed feelings for new guy (he was a btech civil stud), but nvr owned it directly,i always said actions speak louder than words, in 2012 December ths guy was forced by his father to meet some girl, or so he told me, his father wanted them to get married, he told me he would find out ways to get rid of her but d girl was not tht bad i guess, enyways after he came bck frm d date /family meet,he told me he met her but it was just of 15minutes , i was angry to c his indifference , i shouted on him and created a big issue cause i felt he was cheating betraying , and after ths incident our relation started detorating (he told me he told his family not to make further advances to ths girl, but i felt all these wear a hoax)
ReplyDeletecont frm earlier post..( i must mention here that this relationshp was a long distance one, other states , so our communication was via phn and net ) we had planned we would get into d same college for higher studies so we could get to knw each other well, (in 2011 i had plans for llm,we met in 2010end, he had plans for mba, i was supposed to land up in his state , whc didnt work out cause he had some probs with his final yr exams, at ths time i had neutral feelings for him ) nxt yr he was suppose to come to my state at that time i wanted to go for mba (cause i was interested in corporate jobs and mba suits better for that than llm, ths what i heard frm seniors and others)but thn during jan of 2012(after thant girl incident)he came with a new story or so i thought , that his dad was being tagged in a false case and he was d only person to help his family so he wouldn't come this year, my hopes broke i shouted on him whenever we talked and he kept ignoring me , he promised me he would come the year nxt, i also didnt get admitted last yr i sacrificed for him , i thought of opting for a higher level entrance exam for mba and judiciary (i couldn't concentrate in d later on though i was interested in it during college days, may b i wanted to be with him being d prime reason), but i did try to concentrate for mba, in d mean while i got hell confused on llm or mba (consulted a psychiatrist + career Councillor) she found he depressed gv me some medicine, any how ths yr i hv managed to get into a good mba college , and d guy im talking abt his family probs did get over but our communication did not get to that level, those regular talking for hours was over,he came up with new reasons like he has to earn (he was doing self-business , he doesnt want to be dependent on his family ), he is busy etc , but thn he did take admission in my state ths yr, a different college though (i made it to a better one), he used his contacts cause he said it was difficult for him to come up and gv interview (cause he also joined a diploma course there,and the exams were on and thn there was d prob of availability of tickets etc etc) all of whc sounded excuses to me, our session is suppose to being on july and i hv no confidence weather he will come although he has paid d fees (as they r refudanbale before session starts) , i always feel he is gona betray me like he did in d previous two occasions , i will be left alone, i will be hurt, ever time he doesnt calls me i feel he has forgotten me, he is rich y will he need me now, but thn im severly worried for him,if his sms doesnt reach me im angry, if i miss his calls i hate it, there was a time whn i would just die to talk to him, i wouldn't get any relief till i talked to him
ReplyDeletecont... (whc has been cured to a great extent after i talked to d psychiatrist who said i need relationshp counseling as well)my family knws we r frnds but not all these so they dont c d further need of counseling, last time i went to d doc she said im doing much better and stopped medicine, but i hv noticed tht whever i dont talk to him i feel low, depressing even 5 minutes of talking to him makes he feel great, i hate it whn he doesnt call for long duration , i fight i tell him to keep minimum communication, but thn if he doesnt do so im all depressed annoyed , althouh he has taken admission he is hving some business issuess and claims to b in some debt due to whc he doesnt calls me up, cause he his hving to work, but i fell he can call me for 5 minutes inspite of it, he can atleast reply to my msgs , i feel as im addicted to him, i tred to get away frm ths relation but couldn't, i find out ways to make him talk to me, even whn he is angry and rude (whc might b in other cases i wouldn't hv talked to tht person, i still hold onto him, tolerate d insults as well, however determined im to let go, i always end up compromising , at present on sunday we had d same fight, he told me he was tired cause every 3 days im okay thn if he doesnt calls me for few days im like " r u avoiding me?" " do u wana keep frndshp or not? " and tht i dont unstnd his problems.....but i keep on thinking we must keep a minimum contact everyday....he has evn told me lets b frnds for now....cause previously i hv not been able to keep my promise....ths time if i only end up (in ur state) thn only we will think further ....because i blamed him of being selfish and liar earlier.....but ths depresses me more .... i cant tolerate being ignored by him...its not tht im very eager to b ths way, i want to get rid of all these but i feel terrible, im 26now....its been 3 yrs in ths frndshp....and these issues started since dec 2012, i came across ur page and found d symptons quite similar, what is ur opinion after listing to my story, since yesterday after reading ur page , im trying to be strong, how should i handel this situation am i under limerence, i had no idea anything like that existed before i read ur page. ur opinion will be very valuable to me. thnx .and do u hv d same email d one u hv mentioned earlier in some post???thnx for for ur patience
ReplyDeleteHi Mou Mou,
DeleteSorry for such a late reply. If you identify with the symptoms, then I'm sure you have limerence. Personally, I'd say that the decision is up to you. From what I understand, you're on friendship terms, correct? The question you have to ask yourself is "Am I friends with him because I value his companionship and being able to talk to him? Or because I'm waiting for the day that we can have a romantic relationship?" Be completely honest about it, don't fool yourself. Your answer to that should dictate your decision. I'd recommend cutting your losses, although I completely understand that won't be easy. As you said, you're constantly feeling terrible. Sometimes it's better to just amputate the limb then have it all still there and feeling terrible. See where I'm going with this? Yes, it will be painful. Yes, it'll take awhile to adjust. But in the end it will feel better. Stay strong, and best of luck. ~
Wow i cant believe you were only fifteen by the time you wrote this, i really want to thank you because it helped me realize what was going on with me, in my case i got limerent with a new friend relationship im male and so is my LO , so it is a really awkward situation, i want him to become my bff so badly i was Starting to panic... now i will do my best to end my limerent emotions, hoping to suceed ... im from central america by the way... thanks
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. Honestly, appreciation and the satisfaction of helping people never gets old for me, even if it was only a little. Best of luck with your limerence.
DeleteWhat if you're limerent but acknowledge the fact that if you got in a relationship with your LO things would not be perfect aka 'all your problems will not be solved'? is that a possible mindset with limerents?
ReplyDeleteAlso, I dont think 500 days of summer is really about limerence. Tom got to know summer - both characters just shared a really mediocre relationship. Eternal Sunshine is definitely spot on though.
DeleteSure! Limerence has so many facets that there can be all sorts of variations within it. Some people are more realistic than others, and I've noticed a lot of older limerents, or serial-limerents are more realistic about their limerence like you just pointed out.
As for 500 Days of Summer, I'll just briefly point out the spots where I interpreted it as limerence. Summer told Tom up front that she wasn't expecting anything serious/didn't believe in true love, and Tom was appalled that Summer said they were "just friends". He walks around after they break up like she tore his heart up and stomped on it, even though she told him before they even got involved. I feel like a lot of limerents go through that in one form or another. The limerent abandons the blatant signs (i.e "Hey, I really like to talk to you") in pursuit of the subtle signs (i.e glances, simple touches). Tom was searching for some sign that the relationship meant more to Summer than she let on, but that wasn't the case. To me, the whole film's theme is "There is no dream girl/guy". We see that in the part where Tom's friend describes his girlfriend: "She isn't my dream girl. She's real." or something along those lines. In another, Tom's sister says something like "Just because she liked the same weird stuff you did doesn't mean she's your soul mate" and "I think you were just focusing on all the good stuff". Limerents do that too; whenever they are in doubt they retreat into memories of where the LO showed "signs". Many limerents get to know their LOs, and even see flaws or bad habits, but are ignored. I think how well/unwell the limerent knows their LO contributes to the severity of it, but not the ability to have limerence. As in, limerence is more severe when limerent and LO aren't well acquainted and vice versa.
But hey, the great part about literature and movies are different interpretations. Thanks for your comment. ~
I'm going to write articles and pose as a teenager for more accreditation :D
ReplyDeleteHell, when I was 15, I was joined at the hip to my sexual partner. We were both limerent, although I was expressively so and he was more stoically We were inseparable for a few years. When we finally separated, I grieved for about 7 months and now, years later, I don't think about him much at all, nor do I really go out of my way to try to :p
I'm still prone to the OCD nature of a limerent, though. It happens every now and then...I've come to conclude that it has to do with the LO's B.O. hahahahaha
As a lifelong serial limerent it is revelatory, fascinating and healing to discover the term and learn about the concept & what gains have been made in understanding this powerful and life-altering way of experiencing things. Right now as a male in my mid-50s I'm going through the first heavy-duty limerent episode I've had in many years, but I've been wired this way from day one and have been having intensely powerful, euphoric, chaotic, and destructive limerent episodes from the early age of about 6 or 7. By the time I was 15 I'd already had several very heavy duty sexual/emotional experiences and was fully calibrated as the classic enraptured/tortured limerent---note that I say 'experiences' rather than 'relationships'---and didn't realize at the time that I was simply putting my own hand into the fire over and over. Fast forward through innumerable relationships of one kind or another, including a brief first marriage of a mere three months and a second marriage of thirteen years, and I'm now entering my second month in a very limerent relationship prompted by the first really powerful attraction I've felt for a woman since I split with my wife about eight years ago. I can really see and poignantly feel all the classic limerent attributes and think that my 'cure'--or at least partial recovery---has everything to do with understanding myself, my 'hunger' and my way of perceiving things, and little or nothing to do with 'her' or any other woman for that matter, since I alone am the common denominator amongst all of my many limerent experiences. There is a saying---sometimes the only thing we can change is our own attitude and I'm putting my money on the idea that this is the key to healing ourselves of our limerent proclivities. In this idea there is real hope and power because it puts the responsibility on US, not 'them'; it puts the key in OUR hand, not theirs. Limerence is always about US and never them--- and once we see the pervasive truth of this then we have a chance for true liberation---from ourselves. ~ JS
ReplyDeleteHello JS,
DeleteThank you for your wonderful insight; that was incredible. I consider it a gift to hear from someone who has been so experienced with it. And I completely agree with attitude playing a key role in limerence recovery. It sounds cliche, but it's fascinatingly true. Taking a step back and examining yourself and limerence and gaining perspective is always, always helpful, and doesn't necessarily have to be about limerence. Like you said, limerents hold the cure in their own hands, and sometimes it's just a matter of realizing it. Once again, thank you. I hope your previous experiences of limerence will help you with your current one.
Brilliant, really insightful and very helpful for someone who finds themselves at the edge of what is bearable where limerence is concerned.
ReplyDeleteThank you so, so much. Honestly, it means a lot.
DeleteDo any of you know the self-help groups of SLAA? They have been vital for me to stay in balance and share on an anonymous basis of living a day-to-day life in emotional sobriety. A bit like the rest of the 12-step programmes of AA, GA, OA, NA and co-dependants of Alanon and ACA. For me it is a matter of complete withdrawal as soon as I find the dangerous signals so well known and SO tempting - like any addiction.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I've never heard of SLAA, or even knew it existed until now when I read your comment. Of course I've heard of AA and was aware of the 12 step programmes like you've said, but yeah never heard of SLAA. I've actually been wanting to read/look into the 12 step thing this summer for it's relevance and possible aid to limerence. Thank you for your comment. ~
DeleteWonderful blog, I'm impressed by your writing and search for knowledge at your age. If this interests you- I might suggest further look into the relationship between personality types and limerence. I have come to find articles linked to INFJ's (which I am) and this occuring trend with limerence. Might be worth checking into and I would love to read your findings.
ReplyDeleteThank you! And yeah I really appreciate that! I briefly read about the prevalence of INFJ's on the Limerence Experienced board but I hadn't ever read seriously into it. Now that I am out of school for summer, I definitely look forward to adding a bit more info to this article. Thanks a ton for your recommendation; I will put it to good use.
DeleteI have to agree with the previous comment. I am very impressed.
ReplyDeleteThank you! It's helped more people than I originally believed it would, and that's a wonderful feeling for me.
Deletehere is my sad tale of limerence.. part one
ReplyDeleteI have been in a hopeless situation for 13 years. I have a wife children grandchildren and a good like except for the pain I feel for loving someone else. 13 years ago a young woman came to teach at the school I worked at. She was devastatingly attractive, fabulous body witty, flirty and intelligent. Several male teachers at the school were in love with her and she always surrounded by men even though she wore clothes to make herself unattractive. She became interested in the work I was doing in the classroom and arranged to get the classroom next to mine. She slowly befriended me and we started hanging out. The woman is 29 years younger than I am so I thought there would be no problems. We became working colleagues and she was so much fun to be with. We went to conferences together where we presented. Every time men, other teachers, would fall for her and come pleading to me for more information on her. She would present in a short skirt and tight blouse and every male’s eyes would follow her like a hawk follows its prey. I started falling in love with her. Something I did not want. She told me she was transferring schools, I was crushed but I knew it was for the best. We spent that summer together going and presenting at conferences and grew closer. When summer was over I told her we would probably not be seeing each other again. I told her I loved her deeply and because of our age difference and marital status, we were both married, we should not see each other. She said she loved me but not in a romantic sense, more like her dad and anyway she knew I would never leave my wife. I asked her not to contact me again, painful to ask that, and she got mad saying I was her best friend and if I was having these feelings for her I should get a therapist and not tell her. She was very angry but I pleaded with her not to contact me. That lasted two weeks and then she called me asking if I was OK and would I like to hang out with her again. Like a weak fool I said yes and we started up again there was nothing sexual or romantic for her but I was deeply in love with her.
Her husband wanted to know why she was hanging around with a 57 years old guy, she was 28 and my wife was upset as well. I had been a long distance runner and had many female running partners which my wife accepted. This was different. She suggested we start a business together so we would have an excuse to hang out together. We did, working with ideas I had created in the classroom. The business took off a bit and we started working together after I retired and she quit to start a family. Many times she would come to work at my house in a short revealing skirt and tight blouse, cautioning me not to stare at her. This went on for years until we stopped working on a schedule as we could afford to have others do some of the work. I ended up doing most of the business which led to some resentment but I got mostly mad at not seeing her on a regular schedule. I did try and break it off several times but she truly loved me in a not sexual romantic way, more like a parent. With her growing family there was little time for me which was fine as not seeing her cooled the passion but she would always come back and we did have the business.
The business declined steeply in the recession and there was little reason for us to work together. She would always make plans for us to see each other, we both like physical activity, go for walks or work out in the gym together but I was usually brushed aside for a new girlfriend or someone else.
Hello anon,
DeleteI'm deeply sorry to hear about your limerence. That sounds like a rough gig. She sounds like dynamite. Sure, I can understand her original irritation about you confessing your feelings for her, but despite whatever romantic feelings are there, you're still friends, and friends support each other. Outwardly, to me, it sounds like she enjoys having the attention of males. She knows how you feel about her, and to wear tantalizing clothes around you is either disregard or being oblivious. And it has to be disregard because she told you not to stare at her. If she really didn't want you to stare at her, she would've wore more conservative clothes. At least that's how I interpret it. Now you being brushed aside could be because she no longer finds a thrill in having your attention. That could be caused either by maturing more, or perhaps finding a new thrill elsewhere. Either way, it's painful and I'm sorry because there's no way to really change that. You said you like physical activity. Maybe you could start doing that with your wife, or maybe kids more often. Hobbies are always a great healing method. Best of luck with your limerence and please feel free to come back here, or even at http://tribes.tribe.net/limerence if you need more support.
Hi,
ReplyDeleteYou are just awesome. This article is the best I have read, you have done a great job ! I never new a 17 year old can understand these complex things !
I need your help. How can I contact you, I cant post it here because its personal. My name is Ali.
Hi Ali,
DeleteThank you for taking time to comment. If you want a more private contact method, you can email me at: bnthaw@hotmail.com
I look forward to helping you in any way I can.
You have it nailed on the head here. Great post. Thank you for taking your time to make it. It really helped me understand limerence more.
ReplyDeleteHello! And I say thank you for taking time to comment here. I'm happy I was able to assist in your understanding of limerence.
DeleteYou are awesome!!! I thin you did an amazing job! I know what you mean by people not understanding, thats why I never ever say anything. People just don't undertand, I dont understand; I just feel. I had a bad limerence experience for four years and it was horrible. After a year of no contact it faded. Now I have another one and it sucks, but this person is actually a good friend. You just described everything so perfectly like i thought i was the only one that played the 'reward game'! haha, and when you said that it changes your brain chemistry, Thats what I believe many times I would say i feel like my brains on some sort of high, even though i dont do drugs. Im going through a lot even though I just turned 16. The song that keeps on playing in my head is "sweet nothing" by calvin harris w/ Florence welsch. Because limerence is sweet nothing, nothings happening yet that;s what youre living on.I just wish I wouldn't feel this pain, this erratic love, but this person is perect and I can't stop, without a moment of thinking about it. I did a lot of research too and sadly there isn't much. I've learned a lot about this as a limerent.Anyway, I just really liked it and if anyone's willing to chat about limerence and limerent experiences just hmu at samuel27colina@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteSince I know what it feels, i don't judge, Ive been to the extremes and beyond.
Hi Samuel,
DeleteThank you so much! Absolutely, limerence is such a complex, conflicting state of mind and not near enough research has been done on it. A great place for limerence discussion is at: http://tribes.tribe.net/limerence
if you want to try there. That's practically the limerence headquarters and it's a great resource and talking grounds for limerents. Thanks again for your comment and good luck with your limerence. ~
Thank you Brittany for your wonderful post. I think I have been a subject of limerence myself, so I've been doing some research myself.
ReplyDeleteNot knowing the term, I came up with this concept http://darkelorde.tumblr.com/WhiteOrchide (which more closely resembles what happened to me)
Thanks again for writing, and have a good day :)
Hi. Thank you very much for that post.
ReplyDeleteI normally never comment as I'm generally quite private, but yours was an eye-opener.
I just read the whole thing. It's taken me 33 years to finally find the term for what's pretty much been my 'curse' since I was twelve and I'm amazed at the (eery) accuracy with which you described this condition - line for line - at your age then of just fifteen. I have to salute you for that.
Every point you made is spot-on, at least from my perspective. It is a VERY real condition; it is debilitating; it takes over your life; you'll over-analyze everything they said or did til you can't tell black from white; and when in that state, you're not just in a 'crush' (as my disinterested mother would say with an infuriating shrug), - you're ILL, addicted. Looking back on it, when it takes over your rationality, it really does feel like a disease.
You make a very good point in saying therapy may only give limited help from anyone who has never experienced limerence. Also because the pain, prolonged by years, could be impossible to understand from another party. This in turn may encourage the already frustrated limerent to retreat further instead of seeking help.
Relationship-wise, this is unfortunately the only kind of 'love' I know. I'm a serial limerent; I either go through the cycle again for someone or I feel absolutely nothing. Period. It's a bitter existence but one which I at least understand as other mental health issues have put limits on my social life, which may be why the cycle is self-sustaining. The only upside is by now I recognize the pattern when it approaches again with its exasperating inevitability, and learned when to stop myself crossing the line again and leave the unfortunate LO alone.
Your post was very well written, thorough and coherent. Well done :)
Thank you, all the very best.
Hello!
DeleteAnd I have to say, thank you for leaving a comment and telling your experience. A big part of my motivation for this research was having people know that they're not alone in what they're feeling. Since limerence is pretty obscure, limerents always assume "I'm crazy" or "It's just me that feels this way". And if they do end up telling someone about it (as in your case), people will disregard it unless they've gone through it. And that isn't right. At least in my opinion.
I agree with your assessment on the therapy aspect. Due once again to the obscurity of limerence, therapists will have trouble treating it, so to say. There hasn't been nearly enough research gone into it to a point where there's a good treatment for it. It's like treating someone for schizophrenia when they really have dissociative identity disorder. It works to some extent because they're similar, but it's not the right fit.
I'm sorry to hear about your serial limerence. It must be really tough. Once again, thank you for commenting and sharing your insight.
I developed a very close friendship with a LO over 6 years, despite her and I both being married with children. We never had a physical relationship at all, to be clear, and both of our families were great friends. Still, I imagined a depth of reciprocity that just wasn't there. I interpreted absolutely everything she did and said as proof that she felt as strongly for me as I did for her. I confided in her far more than with anyone else, including my wife. (Yes I am aware that that is considered an emotional affair).
ReplyDeleteEventually, I opened up to her directly about my feelings towards her, with the intent of saying goodbye due to the impossibility of any real relationship, and was met with surprise and quickly, contempt.
Since then, I have gone through cycles of intense feelings of despair followed by the belief that my limerence was over. This has been going on for nearly 4 years. I still imagine (and dream night after dreadful night) that she wants me to once again be close friends, despite my rational belief that she was never as close to me as I imagined or as I was towards her. All I remember about her is that I felt so good around her, even thinking about her, and that good feeling has gone from my life.
All this, despite having a fairly successful marriage, with warmth and physical affection. Great kids, a budding career, high level amateur in sports, healthy eating and sleeping. Taken together, I feel like a parody of health.
I love my wife insofar as I do what I can to make her happy, but that feeling, whatever I feel for my wife, is tepid compared to how I felt and in many ways still feel for my LO, imaginary as she was and is. I may be married my whole life to my wife, a life of mutual support and compassion, and strong eroticism, but nothing as pure and intense as my LO. I have struggled with how to define love, practically and theoretically, since before I was your age. I read and wrote and found myself lost.
My wife is aware of my past feelings towards my LO, and intuits my present feeling towards her; as I said, we were all very close friends and it would have been impossible for them to stop talking without an explanation. We still have mutual friends, which makes life complex.
I'm telling this to you because if you do eventually become a therapist, you should know as many specific cases as possible.
Perhaps it is common among limerents to feel that actual love, based on mutual respect, support, and attraction, feels tepid and half-hearted compared to the consuming brilliance of limerence.
Good luck in your future endeavors.
Hello anon,
DeleteYou've just listed every one of my tips that I would give to a limerent, and I'm crestfallen to see none of them have worked for you. The only thing I'd ever suggest to you is: What does your LO have that you're missing? Maybe you've already asked yourself that, or maybe you haven't found out yet. I don't mean to rub salt in the wound, but it's best to focus on her negativity toward your romantic feelings. Contempt is a strong response. Both of you have had a close friendship for a long time, and for her to warrant such a contemptuous reaction is...well, it's not very nice, is it? Maybe she was angry that you two wouldn't have that close friendship anymore or she didn't want to deal with your feelings for her, but that just proves one thing about her: she's selfish. I'm not sure how adult friendships fully work since I am not a full adult myself, but I can at least say in my friendship experience that close friends shouldn't have that reaction.
Regardless, I'm sorry to hear about your LO. I appreciate you telling me your case, because like you pointed out, it gives me a specific case. It's shown me that I need to re-evaluate my "treatment" methods. Thanks again and best of wishes.
A different Anonymous! Your post is really helpful, thanks Brittany! I just wanted to ask your advice on something, hope you can get back to me! I'm a 21 yr old girl - I've had this limerence for nearly three years, and only a couple of days ago have I seen it for what it really is and started researching limerence. I have OCD so I should've really figured it out before now - except that unlike my other ocd's it makes me happy, not sad!
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I've already started cutting contact etc as I'm determind to beat this, but I've been thinking over past romances and crushes, and many of them follow a similar pattern to limerence. I'm quite socially anxioous and awkward and not great around guys generally, and its just making me wonder - am I always going to be like this? Will every relationship just be limerence? I would really hate to live the rest of my life this way, and it makes me feel pretty down to imagine that - do you think theres hope, or am I a permanent limerent? Hope to hear from you, thanks for reading!
Hi different anonymous,
DeleteI wouldn't say you'll always be like that, because people can always change (in regards to social anxiety and awkwardness). However, I can do unfortunately say that you'll definitely be more prone to limerence because of your OCD. Especially because you said that it makes you happy, and not sad like the usual. It's a dangerous and especially tempting combination. I'd also say that people who experience limerence at least once are always more likely to experience it a second time. If you're in limerence with someone, and you're both single and available, then I always say go for it. I think limerence is unhealthy, but I also think that being in a relationship with LO is a quicker and surer way to get rid of limerence rather than no contact. Limerence wanes once the mystery wanes. Thanks for reading!
Thanks so much for your reply! Sadly the LO is already in a relationship, and has been for a while; but they also like me enough to lead me on, so its a bit of a vicious cycle - with your advice in mind though, I'm going to try harder to be more aware of how my anxiety and OCD affects limerence. Thanks again!
DeleteMy God, what an article, and what a writer. Thank you for the most articulate and accurate account of limerence that I have yet read. I only recently discovered that there is a condition known as limerence, and have been actively searching out information on it ever since. I am a happily married 40 year old man with 2 young children, and I am limerent (this sounds like an admission straight out of Alcoholics Anomymous). I love my wife deeply, and the limerence, thankfully, diminishes when I am with her. My LO is a work colleague whom I have known for about 5 years. When I first recognised I was developing feelings for her, the thought "Oh no, not her" entered my mind. This was because she is a good and kind person with whom I have (had) a healthy friendship, and whom I respect greatly for her personality and professional ability. My experience of my limerence for her is that it has ebbed and flowed over the years. Sometimes it has taken the form of repeated, persistent and long-term detrimental spells, to the extent that I would end the working day depressed and despairing. This would often exacerbate separate problems that I would have in work which would cause me difficulty in determining what the problem was (the positive benefits being that I could honestly explain to my wife that my mood problems were work-related). At other times I could leave work on a high and embark upon productive and creative endeavours during and outside of work, effectively surfing the limerent highs. For one particular period of several weeks I thought the feelings had gone entirely, and I was able to rekindle a more comfortable and acceptable (to me) attitude to my LO. But inevitably the limerent feelings returned stronger than ever.
ReplyDeleteIt is interesting to see how the feeling is the same no matter whom the LO,
and no matter how different those people are. My first experience of limerence I now recognise as being my first feelings for a girl, when I was a 5-year-old starting school ( I wrote her a valentine card). I can see now it wasn't just a crush, because the intense feelings lasted until we left for high school at 11 years old. That was also my first experience of how to extinguish a limerence - complete severance. It hurt a lot but the pain passed within days. I met her again once more many years later, when we were 30, and the limerence returned ferociously. Thankfully we didn't meet again and it died out again within a few weeks, after she stopped replying to my texts.
I think that virtually every girl that I have believed I've been in love with has actually been an LO - and there have been many. My one experience of reciprocated feelings from an
LO became my first long-term relationship, and this was fraught with difficulties because the limerence faded after a few weeks and I was left to grapple with the imperfect relationship that remained. The only person I felt no limerent feelings for is my wife. I didn't spend months or years viewing her from afar or actively pursuing her. It was a swift and mutual falling in love, with shared and clear feelings of joyousness and intimacy. There was no obsessiveness, paranoia or self-loathing. We have been together for almost ten years now - five of those married - and this current limerence is my only one during this time. I know the only way to end it is to leave my job, and take the path of complete severance. I realised this a few years ago and only now am I in the position to do it. I keep putting obstacles in the way - quitting a job is not done lightly - but pretty soon I should be free of this burden of limerence. Forever? I doubt it, but maybe. Wish me luck.
I do hope this article helps your research Brittany, and anyone else who is experiencing something similar. Thank you.
Hi
DeleteLOs who are colleagues and bosses are a limerent's nightmare. The general conclusion reached by the more experienced limerents on the Limerence Experienced tribe page is that limerence is all about yourself. I think this is especially true in your case. The first step I always say for serial limerents is: Is there a pattern with LOs? Usually there is and understanding that always helps a bit. All the best with any future limerence you have. I hope you find something that helps with your limerence, or at least where it's more bearable and easier to handle so you don't need to switch jobs every time limerence pops up in the workplace. I know how difficult that is, considering how most people spend the most time at work, which can be a breeding ground for romantic feelings for colleagues. Good luck with your job change, I really do hope it helps with your limerence.
Btw, Ian McEwan's 'Enduring Love' very possibly could be about an extreme limerent. The author creates a fictional account of a mental illness called de Clerembault's Syndrome, in which an obsessive person will read signs into words or actions made by the object of the obsession. This sounds very much like limerence, although the character turns out to be psychopathic - so perhaps not the most sympathetic account f limerence!
ReplyDeleteOn a separate note Brittany, have you examined the distinction between the emotions experienced in unrequited love, or relationship break-ups, and limerence?
Keep up the good work. Anon.
I'll check into it more as I continue with my revision of this article! It sounds pretty interesting considering how McEwan came up with his own word for it. Mayhaps he was limerent before?
DeleteI've touched the surface and the reasoning for that is because it's so...massive? The lines are really blurry it seems like. Some say unrequited love is limerence, and that limerence is unrequited love. And while I do think they share a lot of similarities, I think limerence has too broad of a spectrum of emotions to just be classified as unrequited love. Besides, not all limerence is unrequited. Limerence is very difficult, and frustrating at times, because of all the variations. Maybe one day I'll dig deeper down into it, but for now I think it's a big undertaking. :)
Dear Bittany, thank you ;-)
ReplyDeleteI'm 47 years old and limerent. I recently had an affair with an old friend who is also limerent. I didn't know at the time that I was limerent, it was driving me insane when we stopped seeing each other. We both felt as though we had gone "cold turkey" or that we had a lost someone out of our lives. She was able to transfer her limerence on to a new guy pretty quickly but never told me. So while I was going cold turkey she had already moved on. I found myself getting aggressive and conniving because we spent less and less time together. I was very angry and wanted to do lots of very serious damage to her reputation but then I read your article and understood what was happening to me. I have now stopped being so aggressive and I am focussing on educating people on the subject. I'm now getting my life back together but I felt that I needed to thank someone- so thanks.
Tino
Tino,
DeleteHonestly, I'm happy to here that my article has helped you with understanding your behavior. That's a huge compliment to me. I'm sure it's helped you understand her more too. I'd also like to thank you for spreading the word on the subject. Recognition and acknowledgement of limerence is always good.
Thank you so much for this article. I'm surprised you are only 15 because this article was beautifully written. It clearly described limerence, something that I now know I have been going through since 7th grade. All of my crushes and feelings are love and fate have all been cause of limerence. All my past relationship failures all make sense now. I wasted two years in high school, my junior and senior year, on a guy I thought I was meant to be because I saw him at the airport once while I was in middle school. I spent those two years thinking we were going to end up together eventually. This hope and belief in fate was caused by my limerence. I have always thought of myself as a hopeless romantic who had commitment issues which contradicts itself but now I realize it was just that I'm a limerent. Someone who needs to get a high from interacting with someone. I've always wondered why I would push someone away once they reciprocated feelings for me. I now know it was because I was no longer limerent and no longer felt that "high" or good feeling or that I had high expectations and I was let down. Thank you so much for this article. Now that I know exactly what my problem is, I hope I can build an actual healthy relationship with someone.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! That sounds tricky, and certainly a tough realization to take in. If you find any methods or tips to help you with your limerence, please let me know! Best of luck with handling your limerence. You've taken the first step, and that's a tremendous accomplishment.
DeleteLimerance is very hard to "figure out" because of the way it keeps itself "alive" within it's hosts body and soul, always changing, always elusive, so easy to feel it's effects...but so difficult to comprehend.
ReplyDeleteI have suffered it's effects for over 40 years...My conclusion after many years of experience is that we end up falling "in love" and desiring the Limerance...NOT THE LO.
That is why if the LO ever was attained your Limerence would fade and in fact you might even end up losing total interest in your LO and move on to some other LO.
"Might as well face it, you're addicted to LOVE"
My advice is to get help now unless you want a life full of high expectations and then end up sad and lonely.
I completely agree with the limerence keeping itself alive. Limerence if anything is self-sustaining. It doesn't require much to be alive and kicking. I also mostly agree with the idea of falling in love with limerence, and not the LO. I think it's possible to at least partly fall in love with the LO. Obviously LO has flaws that limerents don't usually see, but there's also positive traits that are actually there that even non-limerents can fall in love with. While a large chunk of limerents do end up losing interest if there is reciprocation, there is also that other chunk that stay with the LO and lose their limerence. I just don't think it's reported as much because people pass it off as just a natural course of falling in love.
DeleteFalling in love with the LO is natural and wonderful but falling into Limerence with the LO is not.
DeleteThat is the cruel twist of fate with Limerence. You end up crippled inside (that is why you can't speak freely and honestly with the LO) but somehow you get high from the experience. You also can get very low but that only makes the getting high more intense and enjoyable.
You are a very intelligent and perceptive young lady Brittany...Thanks for your great post.
Hint: There probably is a cure for limerence but some of us rather not take it for various reasons.
BOB DYLAN: "Most of the Time"
ReplyDelete"Most Of The Time"
Most of the time
I'm clear focused all around
Most of the time
I can keep both feet on the ground
I can follow the path
I can read the sign
Stay right with it when the road unwinds
I can handle whatever
I stumble upon
I don't even notice she's gone
Most of the time.
Most of the time it's well understood
Most of the time I wouldn't change it if I could
I can make it all match up
I can hold my own
I can deal with the situation right down to the bone
I can survive and I can endure
And I don't even think about her
Most of the time.
Most of the time my head is on straight
Most of the time I'm strong enough not to hate
I don't build up illusion 'til it makes me sick
I ain't afraid of confusion no matter how thick
I can smile in the face of mankind
Don't even remember what her lips felt like on mine
Most of the time.
Most of the time she ain't even in my mind
I wouldn't know her if I saw her
She's that far behind
Most of the time I can even be sure
If she was ever with me
Or if I was ever with her
Most of the time I'm halfway content
Most of the time I know exactly where it went
I don't cheat on myself I don't run and hide
Hide from the feelings that are buried inside
I don't compromise and I don't pretend
I don't even care if I ever see her again
Most of the time.
My advice is to stay clear of Limerance even though it can give you the highest of highs as well as the lowest lows, which are in fact the two sides of the same coin.
If you feel yourself becoming very attracted to someone let them know ASAP or just walk away...Limerance will swallow you up otherwise and you will never escape it's clutches if you are truly Limerant prone.
I was a cocaine addict for almost 30 years and Limerant addict for even longer...They are very similiar...The big difference IMO is Limerence is "worse" since it seems like "true love" when it really is "self love".
ReplyDeleteMany people have tried cocaine and most don't become longterm addicts...Many people go through the same experiences as we do when "falling: in love but most don't become Limerant.
We are the "lucky few" I guess...LOL
My advice would be to try to live a "clean" and honest" life and try to truly love everyone and maybe you can avoid getting hooked on Limerence where all your love is focused soley on yourself.
There's a huge amount of parallels between limerents and drug addicts, true. Positivity and honesty is a huge key in taking that step against limerence.
DeleteIt's impressive that you wrote this at 15. You've captured the phenomenon of limerance very well indeed.
ReplyDeleteThank you! Finished products of writing turn out much better when the author is passionate about the subject, which I can fortunately say that I am.
DeleteHi,
ReplyDeletemy ex was 'dragged away' by a limerent coworker. It took her all of 3 years to get her object of desire.
Where Adele is concerned, I'm not sure why you feel she is limerent? She has suffered sudden abandonment by the man she loved (NOT to get confused with a normal separation). Abandonment is traumatic and the single most hurtful experience that I myself went through and I can relate to every word she writes on the subject. Imagine your spouse telling you (as in pretending) he loves you day in day out and then *bam* one day he is either gone or says he doesn't love you anymore and leaves (usually with another woman).
And no, I am not limerent - although, I admit I had this huge crush on a teacher at the ripe age of 14, right until I was in my late teens. Ever since, I haven't had crazy fantasies about a fantasy future with some guy I don't even know, just imagine things into him.
this is a very informative website, thank you for that! Keep it up. I hope, lots of people affected find it and comment.
BTW: Limerence isn't even a word in my native tongue and not found in dictionaries either.
Yes. Abandonment. It has happened to me. I am not sure if i would be affected by limerence. I met a guy online (dating site) who was interested in long term relationship (atleast he said so). I took it easy and wasn't interested. But over the next few weeks he won me over with his chivalry. But then he concluded that i was not good enough for him and just told me to be polite that we could be friends( which i know he didn't mean). But then much to his delight i declined. I have been shock ever since (sort of). i can't think about anything else , cannot concentrate on work. I keep thinking all things that were said by us to each other (all good and bad too). i keep reliving the emotions. I was not interested in this guy to start with and i still would not take him back even if he comes back. But i just keep going though all of it again and again. All the emotions. Happy, surprised,confused, sad, angry, frustrated, depressed. Sometimes i just get so desperate i wish it would just stop. I cry in hope for catharsis. But it hasn't worked. i tried writing it down for myself. i haven't spoken to friends and family about it. They don't know what i am going through. The episode had no physical aspect to it, it was emotional and lasted only few weeks. But i am in a bad place. I so desperately want it to end. Is this limerence.
DeleteAbandonment is painful, true. Abandonment can be more painful if it's by the LO. The biggest limerent-sounding song by Adele for me is called "Crazy For You", which lyrics can be found here:
Deletehttp://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/adele/crazyforyou.html
I also think "Someone Like You" by her is kind of limerent sounding but not so much as the previous song I've mentioned. Particularly because of the lyric "I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over". Previously in the song she mentions that she wishes the best for him, and is supposedly happy for him that he has found happiness. If that were true, why would she want to get a reaction like that from him? It sounds like the selfish love of a limerent. But I always like to say that the great thing about literature and music is different interpretations. Otherwise where would the fun be?
And I'm not surprised it's not found in your language's dictionary because it's not even found in the English one. Limerence hasn't been officially recognized so it remains largely unknown even for English-speaking people, and of course, for non-English speakers.
Anyway, thank you very much! It's enlightening to know that even non-limerents can find it informative! :)
To the Anon about the online relationship:
DeleteIt doesn't really sound like limerence to me. At least from the details you've given me. It sounds largely like an emotional affair and understandably you're upset about the outcome of it. I think he was an outlet for you; someone to talk to. Think about it though: it's extremely easy to be chivalrous over the internet. It's easy to be charming over the internet. That's why most online relationships and even dating sites are so risky. This guy sounds like he needs his ego to be stroked, and if he really were chivalrous, he wouldn't of done what he did to you. I know that hurts, but it's extremely important to view him objectively so the limerence can fade more. Try not to romanticize him. When you look back on your experience with him, don't remember it as "He was so chivalrous and made me feel good." Remember it as "He was really good at manipulating feelings and I don't want that"
You said that you wouldn't take him back even if he comes back, and that's extremely strong and incredible of you. My advice? Go out and have some fun. I know you don't feel like it, but force yourself to. Surround yourself by positive people who make you feel good. Find a hobby that you like. Try meeting a new guy. You're allowed to feel sad, and there is an expected mourning period, but realize that this guy doesn't even deserve to walk on the ground you walk on.
I think i might have this condition, what should i do? I already go to therapy for depression/anxiety I wouldn't say that its the cause of my depression or anxiety but it doesn't help. what should I do? Great now i feel like a freak I can't even fall in love right lol .
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing you can do...You are destined to live a long unhappy life with no chance of a true love to call your own.
DeleteMaybe instead of "falling" in love you shoud try "ascending" into love.
In all seriousness I believe Limerance is a by product of OCD.
Amazing that you have written such a clear, informed and compassionate piece at such a young age. Thanks so much from a lady in her mid 40s just being knocked sideways by this & only just a few months ago figuring out it's like nothing else. Great to come across others who understand.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for the late reply but thank you. When there's passion about the subject, the writing writes itself so I do have to give credit to that. I'm happy my article has helped you become more aware about limerence and I wish you the best in your limerence.
DeleteWe should not try to romanticize Limerence...It is not "true" love but an imposter. The sooner you realize this the better off you will be.
ReplyDelete"rainy day lovers don't hide love inside ...they just pass it on"
I completely agree it's not true love because it is based on ideas and hopes and expectations of how the love should be. On the other hand, do I believe limerence can evolve into love? Sure. It's just rare and unlikely.
DeleteMy LO was a younger married work colleague (me his female boss) and sadly he recently left for another position. We had an awesome work relationship and achieved a great deal which I doubt could have happened to the extent it did without the connection we had.
ReplyDeleteYes, I developed a habit of obsessively thinking about what I consider to be a once in a lifetime wonderful thing, and tick all the boxes for limerence. Hopefully I can keep some perspective and sense of humour.
PS Kylie Minogue obviously had a bout of it with "Can't get you out of my head".
Limerence is no doubt unhealthy, but it does have some positive aspects, such as creating connections like the one you just described. It's unfortunate that your work relationship has ended, but it seems like you have a positive attitude and that's one of the best things you can do.
DeleteI'll be sure to add that song on my rewrite. Thanks. :)
This is so very well written!
ReplyDeleteThank you for taking the time to educate people about this interesting emotion. I'm still reading over trying to fully understand and analyze. You are incredibly intelligent; keep it up!
Thank you so, so much. I think the best praise a writer can receive is that it makes people think, so I really do appreciate that.
DeleteI am so in limerence that i actually scrolled down through the comments to the date that i met my LO, to see if he might have come to this same website looking to describe feelings that he might be having about me. The feelings of some kind of soul connection or fate are the hardest for me. Who doesnt want to believe in something bigger than chemistry pulling you toward someone? Soulmates, kindrid spirits, all that stuff seems real when i am in limerence. I was looking for a more rational explanation when i found this, thank you for writing it. The song "I Never Knew You" by Cage describes the dark side of limerence.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear that. I know my kind of brush-off of those things is kind of a harsh blow to limerents, but it's supposed to be. It shatters that fantasy and yes I understand it hurts deeply. However, it is supposed to be part of that treatment process. On the other hand, the Eastern hemisphere, past the Middle East are much more spiritual and do believe in concepts such as that, so that's why I didn't disregard it completely. It could be said that I'm biased on those concepts since I was raised purely in a Western culture that focuses on more logical, scientific proofs. That's another subject and debate entirely though and I do think it is for the best to keep a logical and rational approach to limerence. Best wishes.
DeleteFor what it is worth, one of the most notable historical accounts of limerence is, in my opinion, the story of Dr. George Karl Tanzler (also known as Count Karl von Cosel) and Elena de Hoyos-Mesa, the object of his limerence. From his alleged childhood dreams of an ancestor telling him he was meant to be with Ms. Hoyos to his strong belief that healing her would make her fall in love with him -- even be obliged to return his feelings -- I feel it was very apparent Dr. Tanzler was certainly in limerence with Ms. Hoyos. Anyone interested in looking up the story, though, be warned the photos associated with the story are graphic and can be found disturbing. A bizarre story, but a clear account of limerence, at least in my opinion, indeed.
ReplyDeleteI did read about that before, but it was awhile ago so thanks for bringing it to my attention again. It is certainly disturbing, and I do believe Tanzler was an obsessed schizophrenic, not a limerent. He arranged the corpse so he'd be able to have intercourse with it, and Tennov has said that limerence is not mainly focused on sexual attraction, but rather an emotional connection. It's obviously difficult to view this from an objective standpoint, but if I were a limerent, I wouldn't want to desecrate my LO's body like that, and it wouldn't provide enough satisfaction to have LO's corpse. In addition, his hallucinations of an ancestor revealing his one true love further points to schizophrenia. However, I do believe he could've had limerence for Hoyos when he first met her, yet it was still mixed in with some degree of schizophrenia.
DeleteThere are some possibly limerent historical cases, such as Mary II of England and Frances Apsley, and maybe even Botticelli and Simonetta Vespucci. I intend to write about it more when I do a rewrite but the cases are pretty interesting if you want to check them out.
I apologize for this reply being so late.
DeleteI agree Dr. Tanzler did have some form of mental illness, schizophrenia being likely. The only reason I didn't mention that is because I recall many sources saying that, upon psychiatric evaluation during his trial, Dr. Tanzler was found to be sane. It was, however, the early 1940s by the time Dr. Tanzler's actions were brought to legal attention, and so I would imagine the world of psychology was not anywhere near as developed as it is today, at least not in terms of how it applies to legality, i.e., psychiatric evaluations to determine if the alleged perpetrator is mentally competent. Like I said, I believe schizophrenia was definitely something Dr. Tanzler had dealt with all his life, and many of his behaviors towards Ms. Hoyos, such as installing a telephone system into her mausoleum so he could talk to her corpse and attempting to use a Tesla coil to revive her long after her death -- I think he'd had plans to travel through outer space with her after he revived her with the Tesla coil -- certainly heavily suggest schizophrenia or, at least, some form of detachment with reality. I know Dr. Tanzler had engaged with sexuality with Ms. Hoyos's corpse, but I think he had also performed a marital ceremony, complete with wedding rings and a wedding gown for her corpse, and purchased lavish items for her corpse, such as jewelry and clothing. Of course, he may have seen these gestures as an integral part of his sexual feelings, but also he may have seen them as a way to show his emotional feelings. Not to argue with you, of course, but I'm just saying that Dr. Tanzler showed behaviors that suggested he desired an emotional connection with Ms. Hoyos, not just a physical/sexual connection. And, of course, as you mentioned, having the corpse of the LO wouldn't satisfy the feelings of limerence because, with all due respect, an emotional connection would be impossible with a deceased individual. So I think schizophrenia was a huge part of Dr. Tanzler's feelings for Ms. Hoyos in addition to limerence and that the schizophrenia may have even caused the limerence in the first place if that's possible. I apologize for this being so lengthy -- I've always found the story of Dr. Tanzler and Ms. Hoyos interesting.
And I will certainly look into the other cases you mentioned. I myself have some experience with limerent feelings -- as other limerents will testify, it is extremely emotionally taxing and very difficult to cope with. If you wouldn't mind my asking, would you happen to know if trauma/PTSD has any relationship with limerence? I've heard that it's more likely for those who suffer from PTSD, especially that which is caused by domestic violence/abusive relationships/etc., to experience limerence, but I've only heard that maybe once or twice. I would appreciate any feedback you can offer on that topic if you have the chance to.
No problem. I'm usually late on my replies anyhow. Oh, and of course. We're just having a discussion, not a debate, so I don't find you to be arguing with me. It's nice to see your points because I didn't see them myself. Actually, you've convinced me that Tanzler had limerence. It's funny that you mention Tanzler having a possible detachment with reality because it's been brought up around the limerence community that limerence may be tied in with dissociative disorders, which then of course can tie in with PTSD. There haven't been any internet resources that I could find that explains the association thoroughly enough or even at all because it's a concept that has only been revealed recently. However I think Dr. Willmott's book Love and Limerence: Harness the Limbicbrain might touch up on it. I haven't gotten the chance to read it myself yet so I can't be positive on that. The similarity that I can quickly see between dissociative disorders and limerence is just the out of touch with reality trait. PTSD sufferers believe that their flashbacks are real just as limerents believe LO giving them signs is real. I've been more interested in seeing the relationship between anxiety and limerence. Some people have suggested that limerence is hereditary, but of course there isn't a sole gene for limerence. If limerence were hereditary, then I'd think it'd be because it's packaged with anxiety disorders.
DeleteThe other thing that's said to heavily influence limerence is the attachments we make when we're toddlers and young children. If you don't form at least one bond with a caretaker then it's been said that that can affect whether you develop limerence or not. Which I suppose can make sense because there is a huge dependency on LO And that's also another reason why I want to see relationship between anxiety and limerence; limerents seem to be really anxious of LO's approval and I'm wondering if that's kind of a throwback to getting their caretaker's approval and attention. The older I get, the more I've noticed how big our childhood comes into play when we're adults. For example, a lot of serial killers had at least one abusive or negligent caretaker (Gacy, Gein, Lucas, Manson, Bundy, Ramirez) and the only one I'm aware of that didn't was Dahmer (but even then his parents' relationship was rocky), so who's to say that people develop limerence because they didn't get enough attention from their parents? This, in my opinion, seems like the most plausible explanation because when one doesn't get that attention from their parents, then naturally they will seek it out elsewhere. That explains why many first limerences are towards authoritative figures like teachers or professors, or with people similar to their mothers and fathers. Unfortunately it's not so cut-and-clear like that because correlation doesn't prove causation and there's still many outside factors that come into play.
I hope I answered your question efficiently enough.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this; it was informative and very well written for a 15 year old! I have experience limerence myself and no other article has explained it so accurately as yours. Thank you very much.
ReplyDeleteWow, thank you so much. It's great to hear that coming from a limerent.
DeleteIndeed, I must concur with anyone who said this was written very well for a 15 year old. I actually took your article to my counselor as a way of giving him a good view of what I'm going through right now.
ReplyDeleteIf I took issue with anything in your article, it's only the flow chart for disclosure. I'm having another limerent episode right now, though I haven't reached that point yet (I'm working on gathering tools for overcoming my social anxiety enough to do so), I did in two past experiences end up with the LO finding out about my disposition. In the latter case, she flat out told me that she wasn't interested in anything more. My reaction did not fit into starvation, transference, or continuing limerence scenarios.
Even though I had many rising thoughts about her after that point, I felt immediately better after she told me this. I continued to feel better, even after thinking about her for the next 4 months somewhat regularly. Eventually the thoughts just faded and I stopped caring about her altogether.
Indeed, I am at the point where it's like "Ok, screw this crap. I should be able to live without experiencing severe ups and downs just because I am somewhat interested in another person." How I'm going to come to that point remains to be seen. I'm working with REBT somewhat and trying to recondition my thoughts that lead me to idealizing women so highly, even if in my past experiences it's proven to be unjustified. Also, while I'm not one of those "spiritualists," I forced myself to read through a lot of gobbledy gook in a book called "The Power of Now", and so far what I've been able to do is put my thoughts in a perspective, instead of necessarily identifying myself with them, I realize as the book says that all I really have is the now, and the past is far off and not particularly relevant but for learning lessons from. The future is unknown, what goes on in my mind to model it is irrelevant. This at least has allowed me to steal some power away from these extremely powerful limerent thoughts.
If anyone is going to beat this shit, it's going to be me. But thank you for making this great article. I can see you're still posting replies here in the comments, but I almost feel as if you should've made a few more articles ;) .
Hello, anon
DeleteThank you! I'm glad this was able to assist your counselor. If you don't mind me asking, how long was the gap from your previous limerence experience to the person you're interested in now? Just be careful with the person you're interested in now because limerence can sneak up anytime, although I know you'd be aware of any of the symptoms. The research I did for the flow chart was mostly based on accounts of the members from the limerence tribe, and I know that can sort of be an undercoverage bias since most of the people that go on there are recurring limerents or limerents trying to break their limerence. I commend your positive attitude and I sincerely hope you rid of limerence completely. Please feel free to keep me updated on your progress; I find it interesting and would be happy to modify the flow chart if a 4th way is found. :) Unfortunately I'm not as quick to respond but I do always try to reply to everyone. I'm still trying to do a revision of this. Thanks again and good luck!
Hi Brittany,
ReplyDeleteI think I'm like everyone else on this blog post. That you are a brilliant writer.
I have to say this is quite the informative blog. This definitely brings a better understanding for me about Limerence. As I am currently struck by this interest in a girl, hence leading me into reading about Limerence.
Though as I read through this, I'm not quite sure whether I've truly experience Limerence. Some mild form but not too the extent you have written about. For instance during my moments in highschool, I guess I had a crush/infatuation with this girl, however at the same time had interest in two other girls. In that case I'm not entirely sure if I was in Limerence, but some other description you had, fits me as I wasn't close to that girl.
Now I think I'm in the start of it, I'm trying my best to cut ties in contact with LO for now. Until I can talk to her without the situations of Limerence.
Anyways, the most important thing now, is that I wish to make a movie to explain these emotions of Limerence. If by any chance you can help me get a fuller understanding to write this script about a limerent. The stages and the mostly likely end of a Limerence.
Again brilliant article. Thanks
Hi Tina,
DeleteFirstly I'd like to say thank you! My aim in this has always been to inform or help people about limerence. I'm relatively certain that I've never heard of multiple limerences at once, but I don't think it's entirely out of the question. I'd guess that it'd be possible if they were both or all at low intensity. It's only when it gets into the more serious and intense stages that it's only possible for one person. Or as you said, it could've just been infatuations. There's a thin line between limerence and infatuation that sometimes it's hard to tell. And that's wonderful! If you have any specific questions to ask about limerence I'd be happy to help. However I'll always recommend checking out the limerence tribe:
http://tribes.tribe.net/limerence/thread/dfadcb14-6142-499d-bafb-f954d371e84b
simply because that's without a doubt the biggest collection of limerents and their stories. It's a brilliant resource.
Great Job Brittany!!
ReplyDeleteMl-1
Have had this thing called Limerance since I was about 13 years of age. I knew I had a different feelings (dont want to special feelings because am trying my best to get it in my head that he is not special) towards him. You know that heavenly feelings when around him or just the though of him (I dont want to go into details of my feelings because am working on my thought process towards him) . I decided to pray about it and asked God for a not so easy sign if my prayer was answered. I prayed for that sign to happen if he was mine and I was going to be his Girl. The sign happened and I though my prayer was answered. I thought all I had to do was to wait till I was matured enough to be in a relationship with him.
Let say I waited for ever.. He only sees me as a sister. He called me his dear sister before...I know everyone has a bad side, but really, he is a gentleman. The one that is consiered as a role model (religion/ conducts/ career).. We are all family friends and still are. He contacts my dad and other siblings frequently. His the one everyone points to as a role model. ( You can say I can smell something good). Have been having this feelings for over 20 plus years now. His married, am married and I respect every aspect of marriage.Have come to the conclusion for a long time now that he is not mine, never will because I wish him the best.
Summary of communication with him
1. We only call during special events like new births, wedding, (2 to 3 years).
2. We've only seen each other 4 times in the last 18 years
3. On facebook together. Very close family friends, its going to be very odd not to. Other Siblings will start questioning why. Corresponding on face email/likes/comments (30-40) over 6 years...Mostly when we (my siblings and his siblings are connecting about common interest). Few initiated by me. Have decided to be mute towards him. No more email/likes/comments.
Ml-2 (Story continues)
ReplyDeleteI do have some set backs...I google him sometimes... need to stop that. Plus I called him once when my dad was visiting. He called to say Hi to my dad(he normally does) and I stupidly called him back to return his call. This would have been ok if I didnt have feelings for him. If not because of my feelings... am supposed to be corresponding more with him like my other siblings but I know what I have towards him. No other persons know. I feel so guilty after corresponding with him because the whole episode brings so much joy to me. Am not supposed to feel this wa towards him. I dont like the Feelings and wants to get rid of it. I feel like. There was another time we met (family event/ party). I had to go o the event because my limerence for him is a secrete. Have never told a soul apart blogging with other people with Limerance. He came to say hi and the feelings/rush and pupil-dilation just came over me. In the process of my trying to stop/fight/resist the feelings that just over power me(all in a few seconds) he sensed it and kind of maintained his distance. Till today, I still have my why moment. Does he knows know? will he think very bad of me?.. i dont know. Since then, he contacted me when I had a baby, I contacted him when he had a baby too. Another setback is that I think about (If I do became widowed scenario over and over again. Like he is going to come running to me. Am focusing my energy to stop this Widowed scenario. ITS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. When I want to uplift myself, I think about his frowned/sad face I saw on a particular day. I tell myself he's not perfect after all.
What I really Want
I don't wants this feelings because its of no benefit or use. I just want to get rid of it. I just want that neutral feelings. 20 plus years is no joke. Am tired of it. I used to dream about him everyday but now, months can pass without any dream. We dont communicate that often, I'll try my possible best with every possible excuse to avoid him Have come to the realization, that he sees me as his sister from afar. I pray that i keep progressing in life. And hope that one day, he looks back and say "I missed out on a wonderful girl".
Hello,
DeleteThank you for the praise. And wow I do believe that this is the longest case of limerence I've read about. Tennov had said that it can last decades but this is the first I've read. Basically, you've already said it yourself. You're already on a good path right now; not trying to idolize him, ignoring him as best you can, and getting a grip on the unrealistic fantasies. Well done. I understand why you wouldn't wish to cut contact completely. However, something I would recommend eventually doing is deleting your account on facebook. This doesn't need to be an action that's done right away, but something that can gradually come. I'd only recommend doing that because that eliminates any triggers of limerence, and some of the urges. Without facebook, you'd only come in contact for special events like you've said. Whenever you get urges to contact him, or look at his profile, etc, just remember his comments to you of him viewing you as a sister. It'll be painful, and feel like a slap to the face every time, but it's part of loosening the grip that limerence has on you. 20 years means the grip is incredibly strong and every little step you take helps. Focus on the positivity of your accomplishments and not the negativity. Some limerents get so caught up in thinking that they're pathetic that they don't realize how great of an accomplishment it is to not even look at a picture of LO for two days or have no contact, etc.
You've already taken one step down the road of recovery, are you willing to continue to take more?
Thanks Brittany for the kind words. I'll give the facebook deletion a consideration.
DeleteI think I am currently on my third episode of limerence and actively trying to overcome it as I type.
ReplyDeleteSince I has experienced it two times before I know exactly what I am going through. The only difference is , this time perhaps I am in better position to deal with it however hard it may seem.
Moreover I also suspect on one occasion my girlfriend (With whom I am happily married ), was also going through same thing and I was her LO.
Episode 1:
This happened when I was 17 years old and developed infatuation for a junior in school. I was turned down by her when I expressed my feelings towards her.
This left me devastated and I quickly had my closure with her and moved on.
But after few weeks she did something surprising, and sent me a greeting card on my birthday through her friend.
This rekindled my hope and I immediately sent her reply and wrote many love letters in coming weeks.
I never had the courage to ask her , how see felt about me and lived in my own imaginary world.
I was never sure what were her feelings about me and this drove me crazy and must be going through Limerence Experience
We talked very few and far in between and I visited her home few times.
After one year , I finished my school and started going to college in same city and saw her lesser .
Sometimes in our chance encounters we would stop to say hello, and she would invite me to her home but I never went as I started disliking her for her lack of interest in me.
After two years of pain I finally decided to ask her what she felt about me and she said that she respected me a lot and had no special feelings towards me.
This again brought back the pain but it was less severe and I started to push her away from my mind
Finally after four years of the LE, I got admission in one of the best colleges of country and it improved my self-esteem a lot. I would be moving out to different city .
I made one last phone call to my LO, and made her realize that I got my dream college and I was very happy .
I also said that I did not want to keep in touch with her, and this would be our last conversation. It got the closure I needed and that’s what ended my limerence.
And five years later I would realize that those were the best lines I ever said to her.
I had moved on in life and was in my first job and doing well in life and no longer thought about her. I had a girlfriend with whom I was in love deeply.
So five years later got a call from my Ex-LO on my cell phone and I was shocked and surprised.
She told me that her parents had found a guy for her to marry. (Arranged marriage ,as happens in this eastern part of world)
She hardly knew the guy she was about to marry and wanted me to visit her town. I really never understood, why she would call me and ask me to meet her.
I talked to her for few days and she admitted that she felt bad after our last conversation 5 years ago and that I should not have broken contact.
Inside me I was feeling deep satisfaction already and had no intentions of visiting her, and I told about my girlfriend and never called her again.
Now when I look back I can say that Limerence last as long as we still have that hope that our LO would reciprocate our feelings.
I wish I knew this thing at that time and would have been saved of the hellish experience .
For me the LE plateaued in two years , and it took another two years to get rid of it .
Lucky you... I dream for the day that this feeling gets out of my system.....
DeleteMeeeeeee toooooooo. 6 years same person. I hv asked him to just tell me there is no future for us . He refuses to " set me free".
DeleteYour limerence experience is quite empowering. I find it extraordinary that you were able to stop it yourself, much less even not getting sucked back into it when she contacted you. I'm wondering though, did you keep in contact at all with LO after you asked her about your feelings towards you or no? And do you think improving your self esteem played a major part in it?
DeleteAnd to the two anons from Oct. 25 and Nov. 1:
Whenever I used to say, "I wish..." or, "I dream...", my dad would always say, "Don't dream or wish for .... to happen. Make .... happen."
I don't think he ever went through limerence, but it still rings true. That cliche of "you can do anything you put your mind to" isn't just a cliche. We, as humans, do have the power to do anything we want. It's just a matter of how far you're willing to go to do it, and how much willpower. And I think that's the biggest issue with trying to overcome limerence. Limerents have to walk a mile on broken glass to hell and back again to overcome.
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DeleteYour limerence experience is quite empowering. I find it extraordinary that you were able to stop it yourself, much less even not getting sucked back into it when she contacted you. I'm wondering though, did you keep in contact at all with LO after you asked her about your feelings towards you or no? And do you think improving your self esteem played a major part in it?"
DeleteThanks for reply
After disclosing, I did stop the contact though it was difficult, so that meant no B'day wishes, no new year greetings etc, But on few occasions I did ran into her accidentally and had short conversations with her.
What really helped was following things
(1) I recognized her flaws, like she was not smart and had failed her High School Exams. On the contrary I was academically good and topped my High School exams.
(2) I channeled my energy into bettering my career prospects.
(3) I had found other friends whose company I enjoyed more including a girl who became my close friend .
(4) Had taken up bicycling as regular activity which gave me the feel good factor.
Perfect song limerence description,
ReplyDeleteNicest thing by Kate Nash.
A few more songs that heavily reflect feelings of limerence, for anyone interested:
ReplyDelete~~Animotion: "Obsession"
~~Nine Inch Nails: "Something I Can Never Have"
~~Nine Inch Nails: "The Perfect Drug"
Nice finds. I'll add them to the revision.
DeleteHello Brittany,
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to comment on what a great job you have done explaining the subject and condition. I sent the blog to my bff in hopes of having her better understand why my "crushes" tended to be so painful. I had found out about it actually was a couple years ago, much like when I found out I was an empath, there is always some relief in knowing there is a word to describe the condition you are in and that you aren't alone in it. Sadly that's about as good as it gets. I started the vicious cycle at around...I'd say maybe fourteen years old, I had always assumed I was just dramatic or just overly sensitive. I am by nature someone who reads too much into things though so that's nothing new, certainly doesn't help much, what I did find interesting is that I do have mild OCD tendencies and it is interesting to learn that this might be related. I am currently suffering yet again from it, but what is different this time from most times is that I'm actively acknowledging my reactions and actions, telling my self constantly that he isn't giving me any signals etc. I am too frightened of the pain of rejection, I'll admit, simply because it is very painful right now when I just act stupid around him, so I know being rejected would kill me. I am trying very hard though to fight it with sheer will, and to try to get my brain to comprehend its not how it works for healthy relationships. I know it must be tiring to listen to yet another limerent person, but sharing your blog and just having someone validate the pain is very I don't know..comfortable, or just relieving. Having written this at 15 as well? amazing. I'm 24 and I couldn't word things well enough to explain. Thank you for being understanding!
Hmn.. from experience (am the person with 20 + years), the pain of rejection is nothing compare to decades of Limerance feelings. If this person is single and you are single, you are better off to let him/her know about your feelings. The least that can happen is rejection. Rejection do help with Closure. In my situation, no ones knows including my LO. If I can turn back the clock, I would have let him know of my feelings. Now he is maaried, and am married and that superceeds any feelings I may have. Very few can carry on 20 plus years like me without disclosing. Some just gets fed up and just disclose in the hope of getting a rejection. WITH REJECTION, YOU HAVE CLOSURE AND THAT CAN HELP WITH ACCEPTING THERE IS NO HOPE OF A RELATIONSHIP
DeleteThank you for your reply! I'm very sorry you've had to go through that kind of pain, I wouldn't wish it on anyone knowing how much it hurts. I'm a very self conscious person, I dont have much self esteem so sharing those kinds of feelings with an LO has never been something I considered, though I know that its the best way to go. I dont find my self attractive especially with all those other beautiful girls at work as well, it's discouraging. At the moment I'm working up the courage to ask if he's single one way or another, if he is I might have a chance if he isn't...then I suppose that will help me move on as well. This is the first time I'm actually considering asking a LO out, it is a little more intense the previous time I suffered from it which lasted about 5 years. I'm scared but compared to your pain, well this is nothing. I really do appreciate your advice, I hope that you have some form of closure yourself. I know what it is like to suffer in silence, thank you so much for taking the time to reply. It means a lot to me.
DeleteThank you so much for devoting your time to writing this article! I'm 20 yrs old and have apparently been in limerence for 9-10 years with my childhood best friend. No joke ... I've always thought I would eventually get over it, but recently realized that this is unlikely and I've begun to just accept it. Like some of the above commenters, I also experienced some OCD during earlier childhood (before the onset of limerence), but do not think that it is necessarily connected. Just thought I'd share my experience!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteHi Brittany - fantastic article and reminds me so much of the limerent episodes I had. Last one was six years ago.
ReplyDeleteLimerence when you're a teenager is an absolute nightmare, as you need to factor in the heirarchy and pecking order of the school year and the brutal insensitivity that goes with adolescence. People generally lack the maturity to understand where a raw nerve exists.
When I look back, biting down on the gumshield and literally never telling a soul about what happened when I was 14-16 (it ran for about eighteen months) was the single most courageous thing I've ever done, and the bravest single thing on a pro-rata basis of anyone I've ever met.
What is often forgotten is that the natural state of anyone with a problem is to want to share that with someone close to them, if only for theraputic reasons. The intensity of limerence, allied to the sense of shame and fear of humiliation that runs alongside it, operates as a form of torture, like two horses pulling you in opposite directions.
And...it's like a boxer who keeps getting hit flush in the jaw. A serial limerent can only 'go to the well' so many times before appeals to self-control and biting down on the gumshield while taking the pain just doesn't work anymore. There's a cumulative damage there.
I'm utterly convinced that my three episodes have (for various reasons) wiped at least five years off my life. C'est la vie, but it's important we bring this very real condition into mainstream thought.
Well done again on a great piece of writing.
Daz
Yeah Daz, it takes a tremendous amount of courage to keep that secret and tell yourself this is getting over soon. Makes me feel like i was able to do the right thing. Am proud of myself for getting through, and you should be too.
DeleteI came across your blog whilst researching Limerence. I'm a sufferer and have been having my most recent bout for 6 months now. My LO is someone I met in Community College and helped me with something very difficult for me. It's a devastating condition and it's hard to find any helpful advice on the internet. Thank you for writing this and for your desire to help people with Limerence. I hope more research can be done in the future as to why some people are more prone to this than others. PS. I'm in Vegas and attend UNLV too,
ReplyDeleteI also think this song accurately reflects Limerence.... "Dark Side of Me" by Coheed and Cambria.
ReplyDeletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fl1Dubqke28
Hopelessly Devoted to you - Olivia Newton-John
DeleteHi Britanny,
ReplyDeleteI have been limerent fir 4 years now and have just wasted yet another whole day instead of getting things done, Separated with lifetime partner..that wasn't working anyway and JUST keeping house and home together. Pretty sure my LO is limerent too but not very empathetic he is incredibly indecisive and with SO .. and as any addict manipulative to get attention without actually being open. Denied at my disclosure but never behaves in an unlimerent way. Definitely not reading everything into it we both try to stop the cycle but have got sucked to the bottom of a whirlpool in a very dark place. Just keep plodding on have no idea where this will end must keep strong for lovely teenage daughter like yourself.
Thank for listening. x
Hi Britanny,
ReplyDeleteFirst, I'd like to thank you for your posting and your dedicated response to people's comments. I just recently learned of the term limerent and realized it describes many of my relationships over the years. I discovered the term while searching for something to explain the irrational feelings I'm having towards a close friend of mine. Your blog mentions a potential correlation between anxiety disorders and limerence. I began suffering from panic attacks a few years ago, and after reading your blog, realized that my limerent episodes tend to occur during times of high stress. My most recent limerent episode has been particularly difficult because I am happily married to a wonderful man. One of the hardest parts for me is the guilt over having these feeling for someone other than my husband. The logical part of my mind understands this is morally wrong and that my husband is so much better than my LO, but the limerent part of me doesn't care and craves attention from the LO above everyone else and at any cost. Luckily (or unlucky) my LO is gay and therefore has zero romantic interest in me. This also makes is worse because the "forbidden" aspect has always worsened my limerence. I do not want to disclose to my LO because it would damage our friendship, which I greatly value. I am hoping that I can resolve this episode without losing my friend, or perhaps my desire to maintain the friendship is driven by limerence. Do you think it is possible to get over limerence without disclosing and maintain a healthy, normal relationship with ones LO?
This was a brilliantly insightful piece Brittany and I have learnt is much from what you and others here have written.
ReplyDeleteI have been experiencing limerence for the past 7 months and wanted to share here that for me it has been like a 'life epiphany'.
Perhaps I have been blurring the boundaries between obsession and motivation, but whatever had happened it has changed my life for the better.
I do experience pain at the futility of my longing and realise that I will never be with my limerent object. However my obsession with him has motivated me to exercise which I now love and I feel better than I have ever done. Also I have pushed myself in other areas of my life and with work and have made some changes which have had huge benefits for me.
I feel as though it is the intensity of my feelings for him that is my motivator here and I am scared of stopping feeling like this as my positive new life may end if my obsession fades.
The positives have made it somehow easier to cope in my marriage which although not entirely unhappy, I know is not as it should be. Perhaps this is hiding from the real issues. My LO is in a long term relationship with children. I have children too and I really do know that there is little chance of it bring requited. I know him very little and only see him once a week, but he makes my heart soar when I see him and talk to him. I guess the 1% hope there may be gives me the motivation to be the best that I can be.
He has no idea of the huge positive impact he has had on my life. Without him I would have made no changes at all.
Just a different angle on limerence perhaps and I wonder if anyone has experienced this.
Trying to impress my LO and gain her attention gives me motivation to be the best that I can be too!
DeleteThank you for posting this. It has answered a lot of questions for me. I had no idea that there was a name for this. Again thank you. Just reading this has helped me tremendously
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteFantastic article! The best I've ever read about limerence (and I have read a lot about it because I am in a limerent state). Thank you for this article.
ReplyDeletethank you so much for your article. and bless your endeavors in studying this subject further.
ReplyDeletei'm so glad to have found this page, in my pathetic attempt to find a way to be cured of this affliction. it really helps to be reminded of the deadly symptoms and signs of this cursed malady.
the dangerous thing about it is that serial limerents (of which i'm one) tend to forget that he/she is suffering from this condition, and believe that the state of distress with a current LO is actually a real heartbreak from losing the love of one's life, THE real thing, finally, and he/she blew it.
i knew about limerence as early as 35 years ago, when the concept came out. yet every time it happens, i fail to stop it. then i forget IT IS NOT LOVE. even when i run away, to the extent of quitting a good job, once it hits there's no escape. this damned obsessing with the LO in a sick brain that just wouldn't stop until it dies of starvation. after months if not years. but that's not the end of it. i've lived like a hermit for 5 years swearing off any more encounters, but it was enough to set eyes on a new LO met at work, and the vicious cycle is back.
it's very hard for people who haven't experienced it to understand the gravity of this illness. there could be wars going on etc., people you care about who are gravely and truly ill of cancer etc., things we try to think about to give oneself a realistic perspective of things, but for the limerent all that matters is the torment of not being able to rid one's mind of thoughts of the LO.
i thought that confronting the LO and getting blatantly rejected in your face would cure it, since the main ingredient of limerence is the UNCERTAINTY that the LO might want you too. but reading from the comments above, it seems this is not effective either. (see the june 26, 2013 victim's story)
hasn't a drug been discovered for this disease yet?
again, thank you
limerent@53
dear brittany, i gotta thank u. you are a saviour. i realised that my obsession with a best friend of mine, the perfect girl, was not ending because of these "games" my mind was playing. thank you for explaining why limerent relationships couldnt bloom into love, you were right, all my thoughts were selfish of how i'd want to be her hero, how i'd cherish her, basically always keep her happy, never the sad thoughts; despite me trying so hard to snap out of these delusional thoughts because she truly loves somebody else. i did a lot of searching on the web, and it turns out it was the result of the neurotransmitters, oxytocin and vadopressin, in the brain, that i had these intrusive thoughts about her. i took the extreme step of killing any chances i may have had with her by telling her, hey you are like a sister to me. i lied brittany, and as i prepped myself to say it, my heart beat like the first time i fell in love with her, as if it were tearing out of my chest. but i told her anyway over the phone. knowing that the relationship would never fruition in future already stopped the intrusive thoughts. it had not stopped even though i picked up hobbies and grew in confidence and tried to shut her out. consciously destroying hope was all that could do it. one day, i hope ill fall in love over again, with someone who's right for me, who'd love me back. my love for her must have been true because i truly held on to my deep feelings for over a year, and i respected her as a lady, and friend, all the while. when i let her go she didn't have the farthest clue of my feelings. but i m glad loving her changed me and made me a better man. thanks brittany. i feel lighter. i can now see her as human, not the perfect girl my subconscious mind had contorted.
ReplyDeleteThis pretty much sums it up............
ReplyDeletetorture noun, verb, tor·tured, tor·tur·ing.
— noun
the act of inflicting excruciating pain, as punishment or revenge, as a means of getting a confession or information, or for sheer cruelty.
a method of inflicting such pain.
Often, tortures. the pain or suffering caused or undergone.
extreme anguish of body or mind; agony.
a cause of severe pain or anguish.
— verb (used with object)
to subject to torture.
to afflict with severe pain of body or mind: My back is torturing me.
to force or extort by torture: We'll torture the truth from his lips!
to twist, force, or bring into some unnatural position or form: trees tortured by storms.
to distort or pervert (language, meaning, etc.).
Ok, not exactly torture......but sometimes it sure seems like it.
Thanks for sharing everyone......Im not going crazy after all. :-)
Hi, I'm a limerent in search of some data on limerent people just out of personal curiosity and would really appreciate if any people experiencing limerence would take this short survey I've made! https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/YF95YZV
ReplyDeleteHi Brittany,
ReplyDeleteI have been reading about limerence because I’ve realized that my crush has developed into a situation where I’m thinking about a girl every waking moment of the day unless I’m distracted by other things. Now that I’ve realized my brain is addicted to the high I get when I think about or interact with her, I’m trying to figure out how best to deal with it.
Some background: The unfortunate woman who is my LO is intelligent, funny, beautiful, and single. I am also single. We get along well. Sometimes I even think she likes me back (but that’s probably just the limerence talking). Sounds great, right? Wrong. I’m also certain that a relationship with her is a bad idea, for reasons I won’t go into here in case she or anyone we know ever reads this and recognizes us. Also, even though I interact with her regularly, I’m not in a position to get to know her well. It’s a great recipe for limerence: I’m terribly attracted to her, I’m certain that (in reality, where I haven’t been living, haha) we aren’t compatible, I spend time with her regularly, and yet I can’t get close enough to discover her flaws. Cutting off all contact (for starvation) or disclosure (for reciprocation or starvation) are not good options. I’m fairly certain I’m in the crystallization phase. Although there are symptoms that I don’t have (particularly shyness, game playing, loss of appetite/sleep), the obsessive/intrusive thinking is there, and, now that I realize what is happening, it is unwelcome.
Here’s what I plan to do. I’m open to any thoughts that you or others have. From the little psychology/counseling research I have done, it seems that in general once a person is aware of unhealthy brain patterns, they should learn how to identify them and, to the extent possible, consciously replace them with healthy ones. So:
1. I am going to keep a daily diary of things that gave me joy each day. There are many things in my life I enjoy, but it’s easy to forget about them when I’m either on a high because of something my LO said or did, or feeling sorry for myself because I can’t have her. When I realize that I’m replaying/analyzing memories of her, I’m going to get out the diary and instead try to focus on joyful moments that didn’t involve her. I’m going to remind myself that I was perfectly fine and very happy with my life before I met her.
2. I am going to write down the list of reasons why having a relationship with her is a bad idea. Whenever I start fantasizing about how great it would feel to be in a relationship with her, I’m going to pull out that list and focus on remembering every reason why pursuing a relationship with her would ruin my life (and probably hers too).
3. I am going to limit contact with her. As I type this I already feel the pain of this prospect because it means cutting myself off from the extreme joy that I get from being high. I’m going to write down something to the effect of “You aren’t thinking about contacting her because you want to be with her the rest of your life, you’re thinking about it because you’re a selfish idiot who wants to get high. You’re addicted to a drug and you’ve always prided yourself on never doing drugs. Go do something else you enjoy.” Although I can’t stop my normal interactions with her, I can stop going out of my way to talk to her. When I feel the impulse to do so, I will consciously pull out this reminder and stare at it for awhile.
Perhaps doing the above things will be a way to keep myself rooted in reality and refrain from doing something that I (and she) will regret until (maybe) the limerence ends. I’m hoping that if one day I am not limerent I can even have a genuine friendship with her. But I’ll settle for not hurting her and not ruining my life.
Even though I am just starting this “regimen” I thought I’d open myself up for advice and also post it here in case it helps anyone else. Maybe I will post again at a later date to let you know how this goes.
Blaine (not my real name but better than Anonymous)
Hello Blaine,
DeleteI took the liberty of replying because I'm also trying to get myself cured using some strategies that do not involve DISCLOSURE.
This is also a way for me to concretize my thoughts because it's always better to write things down and later be able to look at what we wrote and see how much progress we have made.
I looked at your plan and here are my comments :
Plan 1 - GOOD
That is a very effective strategy, and is very useful in trying to distract oneself or diverting one's mind from getting sucked into entertaining thoughts of the LO. I also remind myself how fine (let's say sane is a better word) I was in my pre-LO life.
My trick, personally, when I "think" (it's really all in the mind, in fact) that I'm missing the LO, is I visualize my brain police physically pushing this thought away and clubbing it to death by thinking of something/someone else, such as this group of people I found here.
Yes, this blog has helped me enormously, because I feel an affinity for my fellow sufferers, and whenever I get a "longing for LO" attack, recalling the information I've gathered here (so generously and kindly shared) that shows I'm not crazy (just a little unwell) and being reminded of the clinical nature of this lunacy helps to get me back on track and move on in a life where the LO is a persona non grata.
Plan 2 - NOT GOOD
This, as far as I'm concerned, is not very helpful.
As we have already seen and has been repeatedly emphasized here, limerence is IRRATIONAL, and we who know what it's like can attest to the fact that our sick brain just does not recognize certain kinds of data or facts such as : that the relationship is just f***ing bad for us. No, that's not even it. We actually KNOW that already, and we recognize the truth and reality of it all. But our brain just keeps on churning out memories of the LO and gives us the sensation that the LO is essential to our happy existence, and we just have no power to stop that damned machine.
One trigger that causes this and enhances the severity of the longing, which I have found out by subjecting myself to a cold-blooded LIMERENCE BINGE experiment, is the act of LISTENING TO LIMERENT-THEMED SONGS. These bloody songs have an effect of reinforcing the idea of a GREAT LOVE STORY GONE WRONG. As I did this experiment and experienced the highs of torment and excruciating heartache, I took a moment to detach my consciousness from my limerent self and saw just how PATHETIC that person really was/is, and how I don't wanna be that person no more, dammit ! (sorry for all the expletives, but you get my point).
When we get sudden bursts of this feeling, "Oh, I can't live without my LO, blah-blah…", we need to tell ourselves firmly to have pity on that pathetic self, and to just quit it already, shall we?
Because, do we really want to be such LOSERS?!?
(to be continued in next comment)
Plan 3 - NOT GOOD
DeleteI would suggest you withdraw completely, rather than just limiting contact. It's like quitting smoking, you have to go cold turkey. Smoking less won't help you quit. On the contrary it will intensify the PAIN because of the torture of waiting. You will be counting the days/hours/minutes when you will be seeing LO again. And when you think you're getting better you're actually only setting yourself up for backsliding, because (I have to be brutally honest) you're only fooling yourself. Do you really want to get cured or not?
Remember, we limerents have (1) this irrational DESIRE for the LO, and (2) the desperate need to be desired in return by LO. Limiting contact but keeping it indefinitely will only prolong the agony. The data given above saying that limerence can last DECADES is NOT an exaggeration.
In the past, I believed that being more and frequently exposed to the LO and trying to find out their undesirable traits, in the attempt to douse that desire, would be helpful. Something like when you become familiar with a toy, your interest in it wanes. No, it does not. In some perverse way, we like EVERYTHING about the LO.
If the likelihood of the relationship with the LO ever being realized or becoming reciprocal is NIL, this plan will only leave us limerents more frustrated than ever. When it comes to putting an END to this lunacy, there's just no other way but to bite the bullet.
We have to do things drastically and ruthlessly :
Delete LO's number from your phone (without memorizing it beforehand, of course).
Quit rereading text/chat messages (okay, okay, I just don't have the heart to delete them permanently yet but hey, I've archived them… besides they could be useful for future reference).
Don't call.
Stop hoping that LO will call, because frankly, they haven't even noticed we've left them. (When you catch yourself doing this, consciously tell yourself to stop it - stop hoping for anything that has to do with the LO)
Always remember, the LO is not an object of our love and affection but the enemy that we want to remove from our consciousness.
But in the end, it's WE OURSELVES who are our worst enemy.
We have to stop fooling ourselves that we want to get cured if we're not actually making CONCRETE steps to kick the addiction.
Well, that's it, and hope this advice or at least some parts of it will help you…
L@53 (see case above dated 23/02/2014)
hi blaine,
Deleteit's me L@53.. i haven't gone back to this site after some spam messages below have unfortunately invaded the conversations. i've come back here now only to give you this link which i've been going to recently and found very helpful, in the event that you're still not out of your limerence for the person you spoke about above. hope you see this message and well..., good luck !
http://limerence.net/forum/index.php
As a person suffering from limerence I found your piece to be very informative. I would love to hear if you did actually continue your research and what your findings are. I have been going through this for three years and would very much like to find a way to make it stop. I also think it's awesome you wrote this when you were 15, you are very insightful and I am 47.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your web page here Brittany.
ReplyDeleteI've been going to group therapy on and off for love addiction for some years only to run away when it became too painful. I only however heard the term limerance a few days ago. It's essentially the same thing of course as love addiction but I have to say, what a much prettier name ;-) for what can be an evisceratingly painful ;-( state to be in at times.
I've been limerant since I was 14 and I'm now 48. I FINALLY told my latest LO what was wrong with me and that I'm getting help. He's a really decent guy and whilst he sounded rather taken aback, he didn't ridicule me (I used the term love addiction, I hadn't heard of limerance then and it might have been too much anyway for a Financial Analyst to be told about limerance, lol ;-)
In doing this and starting to do research, I can see we've both been limerant up till recently. Then he starting playing games with contact and then went pretty much full-on avoidance mode with me. After that it became the classic push / pull dynamic of the love addict/love avoidant. Part of me now regrets telling him but I know I had to do it to stop the self-destruction that's left me unable to get past six months in a relationship with a man my whole life.
I'm in a lot of pain and very lonely tonight. However this state is when I am the most "teachable"
I WILL learn how to deal with this. I have BiPolar (mostly well controlled, I have a great PDoc, am on meds, I see him every 4 weeks) together with OCD tendencies so I found your comments on the OCD side of it and the limbic system etc fascinating.
Anyway, I'm rambling however I think may not have thought of my LO for at least 45 seconds, yaaay! It's a start - first time I've laughed at myself all evening ;-) Thanks again, cheers, Limerant In Oz... ;-)
Hi,
DeleteIm a Limerant in OZ too! Do you know a good therapist that deals with this in Australia?
Hope to hear back from you :-)
Another, another, another anonymous
ReplyDeleteFirst of all I am amazed at what you wrote at such a young age!!!I wish I could have read it when I was 15. All I can say is I am a survivor of limerence, but it took 20 years and my LO to die to get over it.
Your advice is spot on, writing everything I wanted to say to LO was great help to me at the time. There is also a danger in it though-every time I re-read my diary-the letters to him- it also triggered a new wave of limerence for him. So yes write it down-but don't read it back later, in fact destroy it in a few weeks after writing it down!
Another advice for anyone wishing to get rid off limerence would be to get it in the open, get rejected, embarrassed what ever, so what if they think you are crazy, it is better than to live a life in uncertainty and unable to form other relationships.
We were supposed to meet after 15 years, but he never turned up, so to finish it once and for all I disclosed everything to him in writing, but guess what it was 2 days too late-he killed himself (I found out later he was bipolar). That's why he didn't turn up. Life is too short act now when there is still a chance to talk to the person.
Hope it helps somebody. Believe me it can get better I am happy now and experience healthy loving relationships. Thank you again for writing this post!lots of love L
Hello Anonymous right above at March 18, 5:06pm - I'm Anonymous above you at Mar 14, 5:41am ;-)
ReplyDeleteI'm H for short. Thanks for your thoughts and for sharing your story.
I'm so incredibly sorry your LO took his life - for the pain he must have been in and for the pain you must have been in after you found out.
To read your advice about telling the other person about your limerance - well it has really helped me tonight - it's now 9 days since I told my now ex boyfriend about my limerance/love addiction. It has been a turning point. Of course right now I want to take it all back (he hasn't spoken to me since) but that ship has sailed... (so so painful, it was a short but intense relationship - as most of mine have been all my life)
Good to hear you are now experiencing healthy loving relationships. I so hope for the same one day but I have to walk before I can run...
Your post has helped somebody who is really struggling tonight - me. Thank you. H
#SS is my initial..Those who wanna reply can put SS please as it is hard to look for the reply :)
ReplyDeletesorry but my story is divided into 4 sections :(
#1
Hey, I'm a girl and I'm around your age. I've been experiencing limerence since 2 n' a half years. I know that I'm very small for this and that's why I'm scared. I would like to tell you my story regarding this. I will thank you if you could just read this and help me out. :)
I was in seventh grade(nov.2011) when I first saw him in a cocktail function. After seeing and noticing him for the 1000th time I realized that he was the very first guy that was being noticed by me. I didn't know his ASL and name either. After sometime i realized that he was my cousin's real brother! okay. i knew my cousin very well but how come she had a real brother?
i was late. I didn't care whether he's my brother or not..
there was a dance performance ...he performed and i got to know his real name(yeah!)
so basically he is my 3rd cousin. Our families don't interact at all and we only meet in weddings. --then I searched his name on fb and saw his profile picture. i WAS SO INTO IT! i didn't send him friend request because it would be awkward! (i don't know why!)So he was in my dreams 24*7 for the last 2 months. We met in jan2012...again..nothing happened, as i was expecting a conversation with him in my thoughts.
#SS is my initial..Those who wanna reply can put SS please as it is hard to look for the reply :)
ReplyDeletesorry but my story is divided into 4 sections :(
#3
THINGS REMAINED THE SAME SINCE THAT DAY..WE MET IN WEDDINGS...HE GAVE ME A SMILE.(. i don't remember exactly whether he gave me or not! LOL!)
March 2013*NEW BATCH* 9th standard!
A new girl came in my tuition..she was in my LO's school. I was excited to hear things about him from her since he was popular in his school and was handsome too! She knew everything about him as he was her bestfriends's ex. COOL.
it didn't bother me whether he was single or taken. I don't know that why things didn't bothered me when I came to know that he was a playboy and had 10000s of girlfriends in the past and He drinks.. he smokes and what not! But he was a nice person from heart! (she told me this!)
december 2013
carnival came... this time his mother called me. and asked me about the date.. i told.. and again! butterflies flied in my stomach.
He knew my grandpa.very well.. as a close family memeber ...because he(grandpa) was the only person in our family who interacted with their family! as my LO was my father's grandpa's brother's daughter's son!
#SS is my initial..Those who wanna reply can put SS please as it is hard to look for the reply :)
ReplyDeletesorry but my story is divided into 4 sections :(
#4
We are absolute strangers and I don't know what I'm up to! I didn't
know about that limerence thing but when I read your limerence post..the symptoms were exact. So can you give me the suggestions regarding this? because i want this to come to an end. ENOUGH. I'm prepared to face it. Though i love him..but I want this limerence to come to an end because after reading your post I think that I'm considering myself mad and this is false love right?
I wish it was real. :(
or can I make it real? If i be in a relationship with him can the limerence be faded and then converted into normal love? Will my feelings be lost one day and forever if I will be in a relationship with him? I don't want this day to come :'(
If there can be a perfect and normal relationship between us then please give me suggestions to interact with him via social sites because I don't think we'll meet for another 4 or 5 months! and yeah..It will be hard job as we're cousins according to him but I don't care. AT ALL.
one more question! if this limerence has an end then will I get more LO's in my whole lifetime? I mean.. can't this limerent and LO thing be over? all At once? Its a hard battle. THANKS for reading my post.. its not just a post its a letter with all my feelings into it. :)
Dear Brittany
ReplyDeleteI am so impressed by your article and desire to help limerents. You have a wisdom beyond your years and an awareness of where you are that is refreshing.
I am 45 and have just come across this term and it fits my experience better than the literature I have read about co-dependancy and love addiction, although I can see the overlaps.
For me, it is about attachment wounds and an unfulfilled spiritual longing, as well all the normal projection and transference issues. Although I have been studying these things all my life, have had therapy, trained as a therapist etc, I have recently found myself in another limerence experience which has led me to more reading and research and to your site. I have seen the experience for what it is, but am unable to do the withdrawal thing as the LO is a close friend of my partner and someone I have been seeing for coaching. Even though I have disclosed to both my partner and the LO my feelings (and owned them as my own issue), the LO is part of our lives and a friend, so I am forced in to finding a way of dealing with the feelings whilst still seeing the person. Reading the description on your site has helped my journey. Many thanks
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ReplyDeleteI first went though limerence when very young. And I asked him directly if he liked me(actually I had my friends ask, as was typical at that age) and he said no. That should have fixed the problem. It didn't. unfortunately He wasn't popular and needed a status boost of a girl that was into him. When I started to get over him, he began to play subtle games to keep me hooked. He was like a narcissist and i was "source". I got confused and keep having my friends ask him yet again if he liked me and he kept saying "no" but then he'd start stalking me around campus and act obsessive and return my games back to me.. Then he'd pull away and say no again. He instinctively knew how to keep me hooked He was very smart. Later he went to Princeton. Everyone knew I liked him and this helped his social status( by lowering mine next to him since he kept rejecting me). He was definitely a case of playing games due to ego or status mentioned here in this article.. By then end of the 7th grade(this had been going on since the forth) I felt like I was in chains and couldn't break free. And I was ACTIVELY trying to break free. But those were innocent times We never slept together or did the FWB. I got into MUCH WORSE situations later with other men and more intense involvement with players and abusers who cheated on me etc. it was always a pattern of getting played, being used, or something etc. And feeling like was in prison and couldn' t break free, though actively trying, with the other person being absolutely NO help to me whatsoever (usually because they are using me for something). To me the song that most relates is Micheal Bolton's:"Steel Bars". So I hate limerence.
ReplyDeleteBrittany you're amazing. I hope to buy your books in the future!! Thank you for your post.
ReplyDeleteI too am extremely impressed by your article(and the age you were when you wrote it)! I know you have not commented here in a while but figured i'd ask anyway.. are you aware that there are some "relationship experts" that are trying to get rich quick by selling the supposed formula to 'attract men ...have them CRAVE & DESIRE ONLY YOU' by using some psychological loophole that reaches their pleasure center in their brain. From what it sounds like I would imagine it causes limerance! But I am too poor to waste $47. I was curious if you thought limerance could be induced or if it should?
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ReplyDeleteMy goodness you hit it on the head for me, now the healing can begin I hope. My story- I have fallen in love with a good friend who is a lesbian - oops im a married man of 30 years lol. I told here my feelings after 10 years of knowing her, us being good friends and that she was a lesbian. We have shared our deepest thoughts and secrets with each other as we were/ are great friends. She's a wonderful person always wanting to help others while she's always getting hurt by those she is in a relationship with. I finally told her I love her, want to take her away from all the hurt. want to be her protector instead of her always being the strong one.
ReplyDeleteShe replied to me after I divulged my feelings to her- You are a good man and a married one at that. We are true friends but you know I like chicks I dig chicks ok :)
Then I wound the word limerence , it has opened my eyes and maybe I can start to heal now. I had all the classic symptoms from thinking of her 24-7 to the fantasies about us taking long walks on the beach together. I feel so bad I told her now but since reading your article and others have come to realize im a limerence . I've written a short apology to her as I don't want to loose our friendship, but I know I must distance myself from her if I'm ever going to heal. Thank You for letting me know I'm not alone. Now the healing begins- I hope :)
I needed to add a little more, to post above. She my LO helped me through some rough times in my marriage. Ups and downs with my children, loss of my father. She always had a shoulder for me to lean on when I wasn't getting the support at home. My wife enabled our children and still does to this day. I do love my wife dearly as we grew up together as we were married at 18. I've actually known her since middle school. I've written and apologized to my LO in hopes of saving our friendship- she says she's not mad at me for divulging my feelings to her-ok I just hope she doesn't see me as some sort of creep.
ReplyDeleteThank You Again :)
Hmm... I (probably) am limerent currently. I guess it's been like this for... over 3 months? Many things apply to me such as: wanting attention of LO/the LO to talk to me or mention me, daydreaming about the LO, wanting to have a good chat with the LO (I don't chat a lot with many people I must admit), and sometimes feeling a bit upset about some things I heard of the LO and what the LO is doing.
ReplyDeleteI'm a single male; the thing is I attend the same college as her and she's in the same lessons as me (3 full days in college) so I can't 'not see the LO' and avoid anything that reminds me of the LO and etc.. Thankfully, I get along with her just fine. I imagine as long as I don't ruin the connection in any way (be friends with her like with anyone else), I don't have to worry yet. I haven't told a single person (not a friend or a family member) about this and I pretend that I don't like somebody and lie that I don't have a crush and all that. :D I should just focus on doing what's more important.
Heya, just finished reading your article. Was quite an eye opener, although Ive been toying with this idea lately. Good to have so much information in one place, and glad to hear you've decided to pursue it as a career - thats awesome.
ReplyDeleteI certainly identify with what you've described. Looking through the comments, I see you've used the word 'serial limerence' somewhere. Having recently realized what I thought was pure and honest-to-gosh love on two (and only interactions of such romantic nature) were actually limerence, I'm slightly concerned. I also relate to another comment on fictional characters, which I sort of just used as a means of writing, but now wonder if this has evolved into a form of limerence..., but back to reality (pun, haha).
I had for a while confined myself to the idea of not being able to enter any sort of romantic attachment, because I don't enjoy experiencing the lows described. A friend pointed out to me today that at the ripe old age of 21, this is just stupid and I should try change my thought patterns. Would you have any advice?
Many thanks Miss. Brittany, and best regards for your studies.
It only came to light that I struggle with this affliction! Recently had an experience with a woman that was with another woman for 13 years, Try waiting to get reciprocation feelings from a lesbian! Finally figured out that wasn't going to happen Time and distance are the only cure!
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ReplyDeleteI found this information very usefull. I have been a limerent for past 15 years. I disclosed about my limerence to my LO and he rejected me. I decided to throw him out if my head. Now I am married and have two kids. But still now I couldn't get out of the limerence. I cannot cutoff my LO completely because he is my close relative. I don't wish to have this anymore. I wish to have a happy married life and I like my husband very much. I need help to get out of this limerence. I am confused whether to disclose about this to my husband. Please help me.
ReplyDeleteAmazing - this is as perfect a description of my being as I've ever seen. I only discovered the term 'limerance' in the last few days, but learning about it is like an emotional autopsy - everything that makes me tick, laid out there to see.
ReplyDeleteYour essay and replies to comments here contain some profound wisdom - I'm truly surprised that (when you wrote this) a 15 year old has the capability to be so perceptive about human nature.
You pondered some of the causes of limerant personalities, and I can confirm that in my personal experience, low self-esteem is major factor. There might also be a link to narcissistic traits - the pattern of infatuation and subsequent devaluation of a significant person in the narcissist's life is similar, as is the selfish motivation. However I think limerants are capable of empathy and genuine warmth, whereas narcissists only have a shallow facsimile.
My LO was my star-crossed lover-in-waiting, sending subtle messages through the things she liked and shared on social media. She was so similar to me - how could we not be destined to be together? She was so perfect in every way - what did it matter that we were both married parents? Surely love overcomes all?
In actual fact, we both had a need for recognition and approval - and some degree of loneliness - which we mutually exercised (and attempted to exorcise), but in my case, her endorsement of my jokes, her willingness to message for long periods and share personal stuff with me, her acceptance of little gifts I more or less forced on her and the body language that I thought I was reading convinced me that she valued me more than any of her other friends (that didn't stop me feeling intense jealousy and paranoia about them though). "She loves me, she loves me not" is the game limerants play, and "loves me not" is often explained away as "she can't show her feelings openly, because of her circumstances", or "she is as torn as me, but her marriage prevents her from being able to reciprocate", and similar sleights of mind.
It all got messy and blew up one year, and I recognised that I was obsessed and sought therapy (I didn't know about limerance - I just thought I had some monstrous mixture of addictive personality, borderline personalty, narcissistic personality and avoidant personality), but despite a written confession to her that I was toxic and best avoided, she chose to remain friends. That has been really difficult - I guess there's some kind of payoff for both of us that keeps perpetuating this thing, but I find myself acting like a creep, then she blows up. I apologise and we start over. And over. And over. The best thing I could do would be to just leave town and forget about her, but I can't - I have kids in school (the same school as hers), I have a whole bunch of mutual friends and if I'm honest, I enjoy feeling as though I'm hopelessly in love with an unattainable object of desire. Let's add 'masochistic personalty' to that earlier list shall we?
I don't want to be caught in this web for ever though - it completely controls me, and almost drove me to suicide when it precipitated my nervous breakdown. I have to believe that CBT or similar can strengthen my self-belief and self-love enough to enable me to stop measuring my own worth through perceived feedback from others.
Thank you for writing this - I hope you will keep it available online as a public resource for many years. It is bound to help both limerents and limerent objects understand the condition better.
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ReplyDeletevery good analysis very impressive, I disclosed my feelings to my LO and now am cured.. hoorray. He didn't want me back btw
ReplyDeleteLimerence is referred to as Oneitis in TheRedPill Reddit forum. I highly recommend reading up on TheRedPill - it will help remove you from the limerent fantasy land and into reality.
ReplyDelete*Note - take the info that works for you and disregard things that seem misogynistic etc.
I'm a recovering limerent and this really helped me cope and grow stronger. There are some themes in there that are truth bombs.
"You are not one half looking for the other half, you are whole"
I thought this was a secluded issue to myself. Im glad to know Im not alone, but also upset to know that I may never change, going from relationship to relationship broken heart'd.
ReplyDeleteDude you are a total genius. So many of these things were spot on...like you know my brain better than I can describe it myself! *tears of appreciation*
ReplyDeleteThanks for writing this. Limerence is awful. I was doing much better but my LO got married today so its sent me on a miserable spiral again. I hate how I cant enjoy music or movies with any romantic element to them, everything seems to come back to him somehow. I only knew him for three weeks and we barely spoke during that time period, this was years ago. How can I still be this bothered by this? I go on Facebook a lot less now and I try not to look for him online but its so hard. I'm happily married and my husband is a thousand times better than this guy but my sad little mind or heart just doesn't seem to get that. My limerence is going on five years now, I thought it would end sooner. I really hope to overcome this someday and to never have it happen to me again.
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